“Should I go away and leave you alone for awhile?”

Sure doesn’t feel like an invitation for a romantic interlude.

Asking my husband this little question is my way of telling my man that I see he is trying to focus his attention on something else and that he is not going to be available to me in that minute. Isn’t that evolved of me?

He always laughs and allows me to disengage myself gracefully. Even though there are times I want his love and attention and I want it now, I am slowly learning to rein myself in.

If he grunts at me, or worse, gives me no response at all, thoughts of self doubt, rejection and disappointment rush into my mind. I hate feeling like that and so I used to press even closer, deeper and insist, many times passive aggressively, on his undivided attention.

Of course, the more I turned it up, the faster he closed down and shut me out. Before I knew it, I felt completely cut off.

It has been a real shocker to accept that it is me who cut myself out!

I know when he is engaged in his paper, certain sports on TV or his computer projects that he isn’t going to give me the attention I want, but I march right over myself and insist anyway. Not a good idea.

Being honest with myself has helped me see that I am not all that attractive when I am acting like a wounded 13 year old in my lame attempt to manipulate him into paying attention to me.

I also am better able to look at what will really make me feel better. I do need some options so that I can nurture myself wherever I can. When I have my personal needs in hand and am doing things to make myself feel better when I need to, he is much more likely to engage with me more often and with more focus. Yay.

Here are a couple of the ways that I am learning that are feeding my soul and plugging me into me. Becoming self sufficient in the emotional needs department does not mean your man is totally off the hook. No, it means that when you are confident that your happiness is in your own hands, he will welcome opportunities to be with you and engage with you. I don’t blame him for not wanting to bond with a neurotic 13 year old, would you?

1. Write. I know you have heard about journaling for years and if you are like me, you have procrastinated a few years away not getting around to it. This time though, I have a specific assignment. Take one week and write a letter every day to seven of the people who have made an impact on your life. These are letters never meant to be sent, just gives you an opportunity to thank them.

2. Move. The diet and exercise community has created an ocean of guilt around exercise. The truth is, a part of your loves the feeling of the breeze on your face. A part of you loves fresh air. A part of you loves looking at the scenery. A part of you loves to walk instead of ride. Give that part the gift of your attention. Put a book on audio on your IPOD and listen while you walk. Tribes by Seth Godin is the best book you can be listening to right now.

3. Play. Get a checker board or deck of cards and start to play games with your friends. Instead of sitting there talking about what is not working or the latest gossip, play a game. Engage your mind and your companion in a brand new way.

4. Rest. There is a fabulous tool for physical rest that everyone should know about. You can get a “weighted blanket’ to lay under and create the deepest and most delicious body rest you can imagine. There is science around this that I can go into later, but take my word for it. If you are hyper like me, resting under a heavy blanket is nirvana! Go to http://www.weightedblanket.net and they will set you up.

5. Laugh. Rent your favorite comedies and watch them often. I love The Birdcage with Nathan Lane and Robin Williams and Liar Liar with Jim Carrey. Don’t wait for your man to want to watch them with you. Laugh hard and laugh long. You really can have fun by yourself.

My husband was leaving for golf this morning and I was doing my cute stuff, you know, wrapping my arms around him while he was trying to shave and pressing myself against him walking in tandem as he tried to leave.

I said, “I bet you will really miss someone hanging all over you while you are playing golf today!” He laughed and hugged me. He smiles at me with genuine fondness as he goes off to spend the day with his buds.

I know I matter to husband. I know he cares deeply about me. And I also know that he is relieved that I am able to provide so much of my emotional sustenance for myself. I am learning to enjoy my own company and you will never guess what has happened! I am becoming irresistible to him.

I have felt that way for a long time, I just didn’t know how to express it.

No one in my large family really gets me. There is always an underlying awkwardness that I reacted to by withdrawing and separating myself from the crowd. Family gatherings were painful and so we seem to have abandoned the effort. I have done fairly well without these connections over the years. Amazing what a person can get used to. But….

I received 75 birthday cards yesterday. Seventy Five!

Well, they were Facebook greetings on my computer, but they were received as if I were tearing open all the envelopes one by one. Some of the people sending greetings are old friends. One of them, my high school drama teacher, who I recently found on Facebook,I haven’t seen since 1970. Other friends are new. Most I have never met face to face. One was from a close family member.

Facebook is my new neighborhood. It has everything I want in a neighborhood. There are always people to interact with about any issue under the sun. It reminds me of life in Tower Dorm at Marquette University. No matter what time you came in, there was always a bevy of girls with rollers in their hair and cream on their faces ready to debrief you on your last wayward date.

It is a very polite neighborhood too. If I don’t want to be available, I simply disregard what is going on and check up on what other people are into that day. If it gets noisy, I just turn off the speakers. If people are rude, I can evict them from my neighborhood.
If I want to see pictures of a friend’s recent vacation or new grandbaby, I simply go to their Facebook page and not only do I get to see the photos, I can leave a note to let them know I stopped by. Yes, there are lots of grandmas and grandpas on Facebook!

It is easy to expand the borders of my neighborhood. Mari Smith, Pied Piper of Social Media, has a free e course that tells you how to get started. I wish I would have had this fab how-to guide right from the start. She knows how to make it easy to meet your new neighbors. You can get the basics by signing up for the free ecourse at http://www.marismith.com I will be interviewing Mari soon so watch your mailbox! I can’t wait for my neighborhood to meet Mari!

If you are already a member of Facebook and want to use it to expand your business, you will be astounded at the atmosphere of positivity you will find in your new neighborhood. Internet business is taking the world by storm. There is a new paradigm, a new business model that you can’t afford not to know about.

If you want to be part of the slim percentage that is still making money in this economy, you will save yourself headaches, belly aches and wallet aches if you invest in Social Media Simplified, a DVD series on how to maximize your business on line. The internet is the new marketplace….make it your neighborhood!

While all of the perks of living in this new neighborhood have been surprisingly profitable for my business, by far the best part is feeling connected to people who care enough to send the very best, their heart felt messages, a bit of themselves, over the miles. You see, I didn’t get any cards in my real mailbox on my birthday.  I know for sure that my birth family loves and cares for me. We are just completely disconnected from one another and out of each others loops.

What I Know For Sure (Thanks Oprah!) is that the feelings that I used to think could only come from my birth family; the feeling inside of being respected, admired and liked; the precious feeling of knowing someone get you, is available from literally thousands of other people you haven’t met yet.  There is something to this Tribe idea (thank you Seth Godin).  When one tribe doesn’t get you, there are countless other ones you can find that will!

I feel included. And for a girl who has had more of her fair share of exclusion in life, that feels amazing. 75 people took a moment and wrote a birthday greeting. It was the best birthday party ever.

“Hmmmmm?”

I said as I realized that my man had just said something to me and I had not heard one word of it.

“Yes, Larry,” He said, “That is a great idea, I think we should do that.”

I snapped into the present and looked at him. He was doing what I do when I can’t get his attention.

I was busted and I knew it. Better yet, he knew it.

I feel an inner stab of pain whenever I say something to him and get no response. Even worse is when I say something and he starts another conversation. I don’t address these missteps every time they happen. Truth be told, I don’t like bringing them to his attention, but I am learning that if I am experiencing that stab of pain, it is ok for me to do something about that.

So when my man was able to gently show me how inattentive I was and could laugh about it, it was one of the most loving gestures I have felt from him in a long time. Seeing that my new communication choices are making a difference for both of us feels really good.

It was hard for me to hear him say that when I am talking about my latest passion, that he feels that is all I want to talk about. It IS all I want to talk about but knowing he feels that way, I can make a plan for what I need to feel heard.

1. Create A Tribe: (Thanks Seth Godin!) Fortunately I am well on my way and have a small but growing tribe around me who see my vision and love to brainstorm and enthuse with me about what I see happening in my business and in my tribe. My intuition is getting stronger every day and when I feel inspired to pick up the phone and call someone to chat, I am much more likely to call someone who loves my dream as much as I do. I don’t need my man to be that for me.  Tuning in to how much I talk about my own interests is helping me see myself from his eyes.

2. Create Ground Rules: My man doesn’t talk on the phone as much as I do. Does anyone? Wait until I get my I Phone! My business is conducted on the phone and because of time zones, I can have several phone calls in a day. When questioned about how much time I am on the phone, I chose to lay out the agenda of my phone use to him clearly and succinctly. I also make sure he knows that I am prioritizing him always in my planning.

3. Create A Social Schedule With Your Man: As my business is picking up, I am scheduling time with my man right into my weekly calendar. When I met him, he was divorced for 13 years and loved his alone time. I am the same way. When I know I have him on Friday and Sunday this week for doing our fun stuff, I can focus on my other tasks more clearly. He is not as likely to feel left out of my life when he knows that I am choosing my time with him especially.

4. Create Connection: I also noticed that sometimes when I really WANT to tell my my man what is developing in my business or in my personal transformation, I don’t need him to give me 100% of his attention for an hour, not even close. Thirty seconds of focused attention does more for me than hours of me babbling a way while he looks absently over my shoulder. Each of us has clues to find the heart space with our men so that we can feel connected.

When Larry busted me last night about my own disconnect from him, I could see it for what it was and I thanked him and could apologize open heartedly because I hate it when it happens to me. We talked about it and he was able to explain that I tell him more than he wants to know about my business. Instead of being hurt, I heard him. We were connected.

Just telling him, “I just want to engage with you for a couple of minutes” is often all it takes to bring more consciousness to each other. When we are connected, I feel loved, and I love that!

5. Play Checkers: Well, that might not be your first choice, but I decided I wanted to play more games with my husband. I had suggested a few times and it didn’t happen. I was frustrated but I decided to walk around the frustration and just get a game out. I asked if he wanted to pick the first game or should I. He asked me to pick. I got the checker board. I can’t even remember the last time I played checkers. It was great. Took about 20 minutes for one game. No rematch. Just 20 minutes of time focused on something completely new for us. Nice and really easy!

Noticing that you are disconnected from your man is valuable information. Your intuition and imagination will help you find ways to tune to him. These inner senses are just waiting for you to engage them. Try these five steps for now. Before long, you will be coming up with your own ideas! I can’t wait to hear how you find ways to create new connections with him!