Ever wonder how some people seem to attract the perfect person at the exact right time?

Whether it is a new friend, a hot new business prospect or a new crush, there are some of us who seem naturally attractive to strong relationships across the board.

Don’t you wish that was you?  It can be.

My experience with countless people desiring deep connection that disappears time and again is that their Love Set Point is set too low.

Somehow many of us have gotten to a place in our lives where all we attract are incomplete and unfulfilling love relationships. When we move from person to person, the bottom line stays the same. The love we thought was there is not.

What if your Love Set Point IS set too low and you aren’t aware of it?

Here are five signs of a low Love Set Point

1. You have a difficult time sustaining long term same sex friendships. People continually disappoint you and let you down.  It seems no one is in it for the long haul and you drift from friendship to friendship.

2. You procrastinate. Think of procrastination as passive aggressive behavior toward yourself.  If you tag on a little perfectionism you have the ultimate in torture…being a procrastinating perfectionist is the pits!

3. You are working in a job where you are not respected or appreciated. Like a penny under a bowling ball,  you  hate where you are but feel paralyzed and unable to look for new career options.

4. You find it impossible to say no. You feel guilty or afraid of displeasing people so you say yes way to often.

5. Road Rage. You know who you are, you ragers you!

What if you could reset your Love Set Point and finally attract the kind of people and experiences that make you feel loved, appreciated and connected? When you are annoyed or frustrated, think about what that wave of emotion reminds you of.  Chances are there is a betrayal or disappointment in the past that carries some of the same energy as that recent annoyance.

Looking back at a past situation with your now mature eyes may be enough to shake yourself out of your mood.  If not, use one of your tools or processes to express what the experience feels like to you.  Whether you journal, run, dance, paint, tap or pet your cat; choose something to focus on that will bring you some relief.  Your love set point will naturally recover as you move forward and release old situations and relationships.

Are You Finally Ready For A Fresh Start

“I can’t stop thinking about him.”

“I want to move on but he is in my mind night and day.”

“Maybe he is the one and I should wait until he changes his mind.”

“I hate him.”

“I love him.”

Who of us doesn’t relate to this line of thinking?

Why is it so excruciating to move on after a relationship ends? Often there is no immediately apparent rationale for the ending of a relationship but even if there was, the need to detach from a former love and to move on with your life is inescapable.

In my case, a whirlwind romance with a highly attractive man caused me to morph into a mindless I-must-have-him machine. I thought about him incessantly and while he showed great interest in me at first….special emphasis on ‘at first’, my constant emails and text messages began to take their toll.

I watched my phone, checked to make sure it was on, cherished the messages he left me, printed the late night Instant Messages, rearranged my life to suit his schedule….I know I don’t need to go on! The fiery chemistry that happened in the beginning started to fizzle out after 2 or 3 months. Then, he disappeared. Gone.

The first couple of weeks, I held out hope that he would miss me so desperately that he would call, beg forgiveness and sweep me off my feet again.

Two more weeks and I was ready to be done with him but I kept wondering what I had done wrong. Wasn’t it real? The chemistry was real, that’s for sure. Miserable, I limped through my days unable to keep my mind off of him.

By then I was sick and tired of being sick and tired and set out to change my mindset. The techniques I used have now become a tried and true system for saying goodbye to that ghost lover (my term for the man who left and the dream of what might have developed with him). follow these steps and you will get yourself back into the driver’s seat. Good Luck! I know you can do this!!

Key #1 Face The Facts

Ok, this is no fun, but facing the fact that you are hooked on this guy is the first and most essential step. Yes, you feel foolish. No, you don’t want to give up on him. But how are you feeling? Empowered? Strong? Probably not. Look in the mirror and tell yourself, “I do love him. He doesn’t want to be with me right now. This really hurts and I hate it! I want to learn to let him go. I want to think about what I want to think about and not about him. I’m worth it.” If you tell yourself these facts (you can use mine if you can’t think of your own) every day for a week, you will empower yourself for the next steps.

Key #2 Embrace Your Self

That was then and this is now. Face it, you aren’t the only woman to have experienced this heart ache. Be gentle with yourself. You are doing the best you can. As you look back to the beginnings of this relationship, let yourself remember how good it felt. If he wasn’t the one, those same good feelings are out there for you with a new guy. Embracing the you that fell for him rather than criticizing yourself for what you perceive as an error in judgment will build your sense of self esteem and equip you for the next step.

Key #3 The Him or Better Box

Now is when this gets fun. Each thought that you think about him has emotional energy attached to it. Some is positive, some is negative. The energy used to think these thoughts uses creative energy you could be investing in other parts of your life….your art, your career, your friendships, etc.

There is a way to reclaim and reassign this energy and your imagination is the gateway. We are going to create an imaginary “Him or Better Box”. It is best to name the box specifically, so use the name of your Ex instead of Him. Close your eyes and imagine a box about the size of a recipe file. It may show up in color, if not, make it any color you please. Allow your imagination to decorate it with any ribbons, jewels or symbols that might appear. If yours is a plain white box…that is ok, too. There is no right or wrong. Your goal is to ‘capture’ the thoughts about him and to place them in the box.

The reason we call it a “Mr. Ex or Better Box” is so that if he does come back, you are banking all of this energy toward reconnecting with him then. (Use your exes name) After all, he is not in your life right now anyway so why waste time and energy thinking about him now. The ‘or Better’ just says to the Universe and to you that you are banking on the new love in your life and that you are stockpiling the emotional energy around the thoughts to that potential.

Key #4 Capturing Those Pesky Thoughts.

Learning to capture and control your thoughts serves a dual purpose. One, you have highly tangible evidence that that you can direct your own thinking. Two, you immediately reclaim the energy for your own life and are free to assign it to where you want it to go.

It may seem daunting to control your thoughts about him…believe me I have been there! That is why it is good to start slow and practice. The moment you are aware that you are thinking about him, stop, acknowledge the thought for a moment, then in your minds eye, place a bubble around it and put it into your box.

At first, you may only get three thoughts a day into the box but hang in there. This stuff really works. Remember…it is a Mr. Ex or Better Box…it begins to feel really good to bank these thoughts for what’s ahead and you are prepared whether he comes back or not! If this is difficult for you to imagine, get a real box and some small pieces of paper. Name your box and then write out the thought you are having and place it in the box. Either way, this technique is guaranteed.

The first week you will be amazed at how many thoughts go into the box. By the third week, you will notice a difference in the frequency of the thoughts and also by the change in your mood and perspective. You will be feeling much better at this point and ready for the final step.

Key#5 Writing the New Script

Now you are feeling stronger and more in control. You are more balanced emotionally and have some degree of objectivity. Now, get a piece of paper and write out five to ten things about your previous relationship that were not working for you on the left side of the paper, the more ideas you can come up with, the better. For example:

He didn’t like to see movies.

He wasn’t as affectionate as I wanted.

He didn’t call when he said he would.

He hated to dance.

On the right side of the paper, create a list of the attributes of your ideal partner based on what it was about the ghost lover that disappointed you. For Example:

He didn’t like to see movies becomes He loves to see films of all types at least once a week.

He wasn’t as affectionate as I wanted becomes He holds my hand where ever we go and hugs me frequently.

He didn’t call when he said he would becomes He is very responsible and calls when he says he will.

You get the idea. Now, go back over the list and cross out each of the items on the left with gusto. By time you follow through with the fifth key, you are well on your way to leaving your former love behind. Yes, you will still think of him occasionally and yes it will still hurt. However, reviewing these lists will confirm to you the benefit of moving on.

As your thoughts about him get less and less frequent you will not only feel better, you will be amazed at how much energy you have to invest in the rest of your life. You will get more done and experience more joy than you have in months.

Wouldn’t it be nice if you would then meet Mr. Right and never have to detach again? Ha! As you continue to enter into future casual and intimate relationships, there will always be challenges to keeping your thoughts under control but…and this is a big but (bigger than him!) each time you go through these 5 Keys, it will get easier and easier for you to see clearly what it is you do and don’t want in a partner.

No one knows what is best for you than you do. Learning to hear from and trust your own intuition will light the way for your future.

Rather Listen? Click Here

As the meeting went on…past the scheduled ending time, I felt my stomach clutch into a knot. Knowing my man was waiting for me and yet wanting to stay until the end of the meeting, I found myself feeling tense and uncomfortable.

I knew he would be upset and I find myself bending over backwards to keep that from happening. I felt pressure in my throat. Wait a minute here. Haven’t I felt like this before? Only a thousand times. Wait another minute, how old am I? Thirteen?

I can’t remember the first time I felt the fear that somehow I was “in trouble”, that something bad was going to happen and I couldn’t stop it. But this was that same feeling. And I am 57 years old, for pete’s sake.

OK, regroup. My wonderful man loves me. He may be inconvenienced and he might even really be annoyed, but the truth is, I don’t “know for sure” that he is upset with me. Actually, it is my own thoughts that are upsetting me.

I took a couple of deep breaths and purposely picked some different thoughts. I interrupted the hamster wheel fearful thinking with:

“He is an adult and he can figure out what to do with himself while he is waiting for me.”

“I want to stay at the meeting. I am having fun and even though it is running a little long, I am having a spectacular time and that is great.”

“I am not responsible for his feelings.”

“Everything is going to be ok.”

“He is not like the boyfriends in my past. He loves me, adores me really, and he will get over his disappointment about my schedule.”

Out of the blue, a solution popped into my head. I grabbed my cell phone and texted him my favorite transitional statement for those awkward times:

“It sure is lucky I’m cute, isn’t it?”

Smiling as I sent it off to him, I felt relieved. I am changing. Sure I have thought habits from back in the day that still show up from time to time but at least I am recognizing them and choosing different ones. I know for sure that when I am calm and confident I am more likely to come up with a bit of humor to bridge the gap and get us back into good rapport.

Sipping our wine at dinner after the meeting finally ended, I enjoyed his warm attention and conversation. Had I not relieved my own anxiety, I would have projected an entirely different mood and he would have felt my fear instead of my love. I am changing and step by step I am learning to leave my past in the past….where it belongs!