In this day and age, Mick Jagger’s words are truer than ever.  ”I can’t get no satisfaction” seems like an anthem to today’s women.  As I wrote in my recent post on YourTango.com, successful women have a really hard time getting action in the bedroom.

Why?  It seems that the more successful a woman is, the more difficult it is for men to figure out how in the hell to relate to her.  To read more, here’s the link:  Do Financially Successful Women Have Hotter Sex?

I do know that once a relationship has reached a certain point, it takes effort on the part of both parties to make sure that romance and passion stay alive.   Ironically, the hotter the chemistry in the beginning, the more a couple needs to prioritize keeping the sexual chemistry simmering.

If you are like most working women today, I can feel you rolling your eyes.  ”Why should I have to work at keeping the chemistry going, I am already doing the lion’s share of the work in my home.”  I know, I know but taking care of your own sexual needs will go a long way in taking pressure off that man of yours.

Being with a successful women is hard for guys and makes it hard to get hard, if you know what I mean.  Starting to dabble with erotica will serve both of you beautifully.  Here are the top ten reasons I love erotica.

10.  It turns me on and at 59, I still crave that warmth and thrill physically.

9.  It feel just a bit naughty and as a natural born rebel, I love that feeling.

8.  It is becoming more socially acceptable for women to talk about and engage in solo sex.

7.  It can be pretty hot for my man just thinking about me thinking about sex.

6.  I sleep better after solo sex and erotica, especially video always puts me in the mood.

5.  I love to write erotica.  One time my hubby and I were serving jury duty together and in the waiting room, I wrote a short story.  I passed my computer to him every few paragraphs.  It was SO fun watching his face as he read it.

4.  No one knows me better than me.  No matter how much love my hubby and I share, it is my responsibility to make sure my sexual tank is full.

3.  Women’s lib not withstanding, it is still hard for some women to openly talk about their lack of sexual satisfation.  Dabbling in erotica creates the opportunity for truth about our desires.

2.  Sex sells and when I embraced erotica and began to publish my short stories, my blog readership exploded.

1.  There’s nothing like the Big O and I plan on having as many of them as I can.

Scientists are doing some cool research.  They are putting women in CAT scan machines and then allowing them to stimulate themselves to orgasm.  What they are finding is astounding.  The entire woman’s brain lights up during the Big O.  Blood flows through the body and brings floods of oxygen and fabulous brain chemistry to play.

According to msnbc.msn.com, orgasm is a powerful pain-killer. Oxytocin, a natural chemical in the body that surges before and during climax, gets some of the credit, along with a couple of other compounds like endorphins.

According to a study by Beverly Whipple, professor emeritus at Rutgers University and a famed sexologist and author, when women masturbated to orgasm “the pain tolerance threshold and pain detection threshold increased significantly by 74.6 percent and 106.7 percent respectively.”

Erotica is far more than a flight of fancy.  Your very health and well being is at stake.  I hope you will be inspired to do a little investigation for yourself and you can start right here.  I will be adding an Erotica column to my blog in the near future…I can’t wait to see what you think!

Is that normal?

When Genevieve, a Rapunzel, was younger, she had a long string of intimate relationships. She didn’t see it as love sabotage. Sex was a natural part of her dating life. It started when she was 15. Sex became no big deal. Now at 43 and struggling to define love differently, she isn’t sure what is normal.

“I think I am really in love. He makes me feel amazing. Every time we are together, I want to be with him more and more. We laugh and laugh together. We sleep in the same bed with our clothes on. But I don’t WANT to have sex with him. Isn’t that weird????”

She was talking really fast and I could feel her excitement. “Last night we had a long talk about sex, about what we like and don’t like, fantasies and stuff like that. Then he asked me if I wanted to have sex.”

“I burst out laughing and said no, I’m not ready and I wasn’t afraid to tell him.”

Then she collapsed in a fit of giggling. “ME!!” She howled, “Me turning down sex!!”

“Are you attracted to him?” I asked.

“That’s the crazy thing,” she said, “He is so handsome! I can’t stop thinking about him and I want to be with him all the time.”

Genevieve’s delight is so tangible, I replay her story over and over in my mind. In a way, when you befriend your saboteur, it is as if your sweet fourteen year old self, the one that was so terribly hurt and disappointed in love all those years ago, is being given a second chance.

I remember Ruby, a Chinese Rapunzel with limited English skills. Coaching her was a challenge as I broke down the steps of breakup recovery into words she could understand. Ruby had met a man on Match.com and after 4 months of happiness, found out he was married.

She knew he lived in a different state. She accepted that he was only in her town for business every couple of weeks. She also was completely blindsided when she found out he was married. As she told me her story, here is a key point:

“In my country, you fall in love first and then you have sex. In your country, you have sex first and then fall in love. I don’t understand.”

No, I said to Ruby, you have it right! You SHOULD be in love before you have sex. Your people have it right. Not because it is morally right or wrong, that is not what this is about. The reason to love first is about hearing from your inner senses, feeling your way along so you know exactly who to sleep with when you do.

Genevieve had slept with so many men, her inner guidance was disconnected. In true Rapunzel fashion, she careened from relationship to relationship having great sex but never connecting with the men in a meaningful way.

Now, with this new man, everything is different. He thrills her. She loves him and she is in no hurry to have sex. Is it normal? Yep, it is for Genevieve. As I ask her every time we speak, how does this feel to you? On a scale of 1 to 10, how happy are you when you are with him? How happy are you just thinking about him?

As long as you feel your way through opening up to a man and keep yourself feeling high on your scale of happiness, you cannot go wrong. I promise.

What you can’t possibly know when you are a young, is how impossibly delicious the time is before you have sex with someone you adore. It is a time that cannot be restored.  Making it last as long as possible is your goal!

So what do you do? Enjoy, enjoy, enjoy!! I have been married for 5 years now and I still go back to that time to refuel my appreciation for my Larry. I was living about 45 minutes away from him and we were falling in love quickly. I remember watching out the window for his car. I remember seeing it turn down the street.

My heart started to pound. I was so excited he was coming. I made myself wait for a few moments before I answered the door bell even though I wanted to run out and meet him in the parking lot.

He smelled really good and l remember how the fabric of his yellow turtle neck felt under my fingers. We were laying on the couch together looking into each others eyes. The edge between risk of falling in love again and the undeniable physical chemistry drove our enchantment with one another.

I am so happy we had that time. Just like Genevieve and Ruby, I lost a lot of innocence when I was young. Love was twisted and painful in the players on the stage of my life. Blah, blah, blah…who of us doesn’t have drama in the past.

Now, when I see the parts of my husband that are cross and anxious and I dodge for cover, I don’t freak out anymore. I go back to that day in early autumn of 2004 and imagine myself running my hand up Larry’s chest, feeling the softness of his beautiful yellow turtleneck and every single time, I get a flood of the same feelings I had on that day and I love him like that all over again.

So, darling Genevieve, you are learning a new normal for yourself, and you are doing just fine! You are open and curious about your man and all of the loving feelings you are feeling for him are like bread crumbs leading you home.

Love Sabotage will not betray you.  If after 4 months, you are not feeling it for him, you will know clearly and you will be able to move on.

What you can count on is this. If this man is not your forever man, he is SO close that when the right one does find you, it will be even better. I promise.

Wonder if you are  with the right guy?  Click here for a Should I Stay or Should I Go Psychic Reading and find out!

You Hold His Heart In Your Hands

Things are tough these days. It doesn’t take a masters in economics to know that there is a dark

shadow hanging over the men in our lives.

With women taking more and more of a role in the money making and financial contributions at home, men are struggling to know what we expect from them. There is a primal urge in men to be the protectors and defenders and the stark reality of our national money problems is really shaking things up.

What is a Soul Mate to do? Learning to MANIFY your man is critical to making him feel cherished, admired and respected. When he feels appreciated this way, affection is more natural. You are the one reading this article and it is you who can start a change in the atmosphere in your home.

Here are Five Keys To Connecting To Your Man. Your acceptance of him, especially when he is so uncertain about his role will reap huge rewards for you!

1. Check Your Thoughts At The Door. Thinking about how he is letting you and the family down is not helping anything. Do a thought audit. Any thoughts that hold an opinion about what he is NOT doing need to be redirected. The easiest way to do this is to put “Even though” at the beginning of the thought and “I choose to love him anyway” at the end. For example:

“He won’t ask for more hours and I hate that because if he did, we would have more money.” Changes to: “Even though I hate it when he won’t ask for more hours, I choose to love him anyway.”

2. Praise Him For What He Is Doing. Ladies, we must be creative. Your man wants to hear how proud you are of him. There are opportunities every day to let him know you appreciate what he is trying to do, ESPECIALLY when you are aware of what he is not doing. Even if it is something like, “Honey, I love how responsible you are about getting to work on time every day.” or even “I am so impressed with how hard you work for us.” He LOVES your sincere praise.

3. Ask How You Can Support Him. He may say there is nothing you can do, and that is ok. He has his share of worries. Kindly asking “Is there anything I can do to support you right now?” may help him by opening his mind to asking you for help at a later time.

4. Make Him His Favorite Meal. This is such a simple but profound way to show your man how important he is to you. The way to a man’s heart IS his stomach and a warm meal prepared with love will always make him feel cherished.

5. Invite Him To Have Sex With You. This may be a challenge for you, especially if you are feeling overwhelmed yourself. Sex is comforting to a man and MANIFIES him like nothing else. Once you are determined to make your man feel cherished and you follow the other steps to connect with him, you will find it much easier to open yourself to a loving encounter.

When you are committed to being a Soul Mate to your man, he will get it. He may not understand what you are doing but he will feel the change in your attitude and you will be amazed at the changes you will see in him!

“I am going to be in town for a couple of days and I would love to see you.” the familiar voice said hopefully.

Instantly I am flooded with emotions both good and bad. We had been broken up for a few months and I had been trying to evict him from my mind ever since.

Unbidden, thoughts about him and how hot the sex was, how beautiful I felt when I was with him, how romantic it was to sip wine at sunset, had been running through my mind for weeks. My brief fling with him had been the most fun I’d had in years!

Now here he was, breezing back into my life and inviting me to reconnect. I knew my friends would be shocked that I was even considering it, so I didn’t telling anyone he called. There were so many parts of our time together that were very good. Why did we break up anyway?

Does this ring a bell? This exact scenario happened for me several years ago and I chose to say no. It was an excruciating choice because the chemistry was ridiculous. (I would love to know why the wrong men can have such exciting chemistry…just not fair!) This is how it played out.

Gorgeous, exciting ex-flame is visiting my tiny apartment. Candles were lit, jazz was playing and he was doing his best to coax me into bed. “It is important to live in the moment,” he said to me, “Do what feels good now.” My new interest in The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle not withstanding, somehow I knew he was pushing his agenda over my lackluster objections.

I was so tempted. He had asked me for a back massage which, of course, I agreed. I loved touching him and what harm could it do? Ha! As I rubbed the oil on his back, he kept gently encouraging me to respond to my natural arousal and seal the deal. What a pickle!

Somehow, in the middle of this highly charged situation, I said to myself first and then to him, “Wait a minute. Just hold up here. I want to think about what is right for me.”

I went across the room, sat in a chair, closed my eyes and pleaded with my Inner Wisdom, “Please help me know what to do. I want this man but the red flags are waving madly! What should I do?”

I was hoping I would get a clear yes (dreamer!) or a clear no but what I got was the most amazing and calming answer.

“Whichever choice you make will be fine. You are going to be fine, no matter what.”

I laughed outloud and told him what I heard. He laughed too. I am sure he was hoping my Inner Guidance said yes, but he was absolutely wonderful when I told him I decided no. He had made it clear to me that he was not interested in a relationship with me and as much as I wished I could change his mind, I had to face the truth. Sex would be fun with him but I knew myself too well. I liked him more than that and a bootie call would send me into weeks of obsession! Bottom line, I want to be loved more than anything. Love has to be primary.

What about you? Are you facing a similar situation? A dear friend of mine always used to quip  “An ex is an ex for a reason” whenever I looked back at my ex-boyfriend. I would say the same to you. But, if you are not sure, here are three questions to ask yourself:

1. Do you feel a heart connection to this man? Do you really? Get quiet and allow the memories of your break up come back to you. On a scale of 1 to 10, how hurt and disappointed were you? If it is 6 or above. Stop for a moment and think about adding another disappointment to the mix. Does that work for you?

2. Are you obsessing about him? If you are, that is a symptom of an out of control mind. If you broke up, there was a reason for that. Jump into a new hobby or get outside and walk a couple of miles a day while listening to a book on tape. Take action to give your thirsty mind something to think about. An obsessive woman is not very attractive, not even to her friends.

3. What do your friends think? Trust your friends. Just like the Sex In The City girls, trust someone to talk to about this. Often your friends can see your situation more clearly. Yes, Carrie and Big got together, but that was a fairy tale. More times than not an ex is an ex for a reason and moving on is your best bet.

If you can’t get him out of your mind, don’t worry! There are lots of cool ways to occupy your mind while the next candidate comes across your path. Not to sound like my grandma but, there really are a lot of fish in the sea and there is someone out there for you.

If you are spending hours a day mooning over an ex, you sure can’t put too much energy into thinking the thoughts that will attract that new man to you.  Is that ok with you?

I know this will come as a real shock to you…..but….some men think they are always right!!

I don’t know what it is…but there is something deep in the hearts of many men that will not let them admit that they don’t know everything.

Now we sweet female types…..we do see right through it…..and that makes your man work even harder to be right!

One of my clients was trying to tell her husband that he said NO to her for every thing she asked. Of course, he said ‘No, he didn’t’! She decided to put it to a test…and here is how it went….

She: Do you want to see a movie?
He: No

She: Do you want to go for a walk?
He: No

She: Can we talk for a few minutes?
He: No

She: Could you help me carry this box?
He: No

Finally….in total frustration she said to him…..

Do you want to have sex?

He said NO before he even thought about what she said!!

Needless to say….she finally got his attention. This couple got a big laugh out of this and that broke the tension…..but they still had work to do.

So….what can you do if your man insists that he is right about everything?

There is an AMAZING AND POWERFUL TOOL THAT RARELY FAILS….it is so powerful, not everyone can handle it…..

ARE YOU UP FOR THE CHALLENGE? I hope so because it could just change your relationship forever! Are you ready……..

AGREE WITH HIM…….you read correctly…..AGREE WITH HIM…..WHENEVER YOU CAN.

You may be in a pattern where you argue about big things and little things with the same passion. This is the perfect time to try this technique. There are so many things you don’t really need to be “right” about.

Look in the mirror and practice saying…..”You’re right about that.” It doesn’t hurt that bad…..I promise!!!

Telling him he is right about something will surprise him and while he is getting over the shock…..you say what you have to say.

For example…..

He says….”Your friend Darcy is always calling you during dinner.”
You say….”You’re right about that but she needs a friend.”

He says…..”But we need you too and I want to eat together as a family.”
You say….”You’re right, I can tell her I will call her back after dinner.”

If you can stop disagreeing about the small things……it won’t be long before you will be talking calmly about important things.

Dr. Wayne Dyer says “When you have a choice to be right or to be kind….always choose to be kind.”

It takes a strong person to live up to this…..and one strong person is often enough to start building a better relationship.