Have you had girlfriends who needed you more than you needed them?

Do you have friends that talk and talk and talk and never ask how you are doing?

Has a woman betrayed your trust?

I am in the middle of a girl friend break up right now.

It is not the first time either. And I am such a nice girl, all sugary Snow White sweet and all.  Over my life time, my Scarlett girl friends have come and gone.  My inner circle has revolving doors and I have had a series of pretty serious heart breaks along the way. I do meet my share of damsels in distress who need a lot of time and attention.  When I stop listening to their drama, they take off.

Sometimes it is natural, a friend might move away. That is what happened with Toni.  Beautiful, kind and gentle Toni.  She was a Snow White like me and we had a natural affinity for one another. During our early 30s we even went to prisons and visited with incarcerated women as part of a religious outreach.  We had experienced many of the same kinds of things growing up and we loved to spend time together.  She was a really close friend.

One day she answered her door with tears in her eyes. Her husband, a corporate ladder climber, had accepted a new position.  Neither of us said anything.  Neither of us could say anything.  My throat literally squeezes shut during moments like this.

When the day came that she left, she didn’t even say good by. That broke my heart.  Years later I found out that she just couldn’t do it.  We sappy Snow Whites get so overly emotional about things we just can’t spit out what needs to be said. If  we do, fumbling and bumbling and awkward exchanges might happen, in fact probably will happen.  Then we hurt other peoples feelings and that is like finger nails down the chalk board for Snow White….intolerable.

That is why it is so uncomfortable to say what I am mistakenly feel is “mean” no matter how much I need to speak up and say stop. Things like stop treating me like this.  Stop expecting something of me and then not telling me what it is.  Stop coming to me only when you need me.  Stop ignoring me when you are upset.  Stop pulling away from me.  Stop avoiding me when I need you.

Where does this discomfort come from?

Another woman in my life who has pulled the plug on friendship. I have had this happen before and I know there are a string of platitudes about season, reason and forever.

That is not what this is about. I understand that sort of thing. But, now this current woman is pulling away abruptly, at a time when I could have really used her support and I am hurt. Once again, hurt feelings have interrupted a friendship.

Only this time, I am stretching my Snow White wings and doing something different.  I decided to say something to her instead of just getting dumped.  So here goes:

Things I Want To Say To My Ex Friend:  Surviving a BFF Breakup

1.  It hurts to lose you. My feelings are hurt.  You were so sudden about it and I don’t even know what I did.  Every time I think about you, my heart hurts.

2.  I know it will be hard for me to trust a new friend again for awhile. I kind of hate that but that is just how I am.  I don’t regret knowing you or having you in my inner circle for awhile.  It hurts to let you go but it is worth having known you even though it was for a short time.

3.  I see now that when you dumped me it reminds me of another time in my past when a friend moved away and never said goodbye to me. I didn’t realize I was still hurt about that.  I’m not mad or upset.  I know life is life and that my inner circle is a fluid place.  There are still parts of a break up that really suck and hurt feelings are a normal part of life.

4.  I wish I would have known when I was younger about hurt feelings. I wish I would have known that they are normal and that they come and go with all relationships.  I wish I knew that focusing on the physical part of the hurt feelings is a much much easier way to feel better.  I wish I would have known that hurt feelings are natural and normal and can be over in the twinkling of an eye if you know what to do.

5.  I am 100% ok with you floating away into the orbits of other fantastic people. My inner circle is small.  I have some long time soul mates and always room for a treasured few that come along life’s path.  I can let you go with an open heart.  I only wish breakups could be handled a bit more delicately.  I wish you abundant good fortune and the personal connections that take you everywhere you want to go.

Do you have a girlfriend break up story to add to the mix?

xoxo

Have you been betrayed by a woman? Just like boyfriend breakups, being dumped by a friend triggers your brain to release a paralyzing combination of neuro-chemicals that literally hijack your mind and send you into Dismal Land.

Would you like to hear what a real Neuroscientist has to say about finding lasting love once and for all?  Dr. Berit Brogaard is my special guest on this special Ask Catherine recording.

Dr. Brogaard, Associate Professor of Psychology and Philosophy, University of Missouri-St.Louis, had her share of life betrayals before she became passionate about the chemistry in it all. What causes people to behave so badly toward one another when a relationship was ending?  Why do normally rationale, intelligent and sensitive human beings become so monstrous when the chips were down?

Discovering the chemistry of break-ups and the lengths women go to in order to avoid that feeling has changed her view of relationship challenges completely.

Dr. Brogaard is doing the most exciting research out there when it comes to why lonely people cannot find love. You can learn to get over heartbreak by using your natural brain chemistry.  Register for your free recording right here:

I really hate to admit this but, I resent Scarlett.

There.  I said it.  Maybe that is why the Scarletts in my life dodge me.  Maybe they can feel it.  It really isn’t fair, I mean, Scarlett can’t help how direct, short tempered and passionate she is.  No more than Snow White can help how patient, accommodating and sweet she is.  How do these love sabotage patterns hold us back from happiness?

Why is it that our very natures bug each other and cause all kinds of relationship drama?

It all starts years ago where all Saboteurs are born, during the teen age years.  Young women are thrust into the crazy social whirlwind of junior high when they are painfully ill equipped to deal with each other.  Raging insecurity rules the day and even the girls who LOOK like they have it going on, struggle with low self esteem.

The time between 13 and 23 is bone chillingly painful for most women. Girls are mean to each other.  I remember watching my daughter go through some terrible times during those years.  Seeing her struggle pulled the strings of my own ancient history.

Ironically, many of us start ACTING like the girls that we think are more acceptable  than we are and that ‘false’ self is at the heart of today’s Love Sabotage habits.  There is nothing harder than projecting a persona that is not your real self.  So why do I resent Scarlett?

I was so jealous of the beautiful, confident and dramatic Scarletts that were popular in my high school. I was way outside the in crowd and felt invisible. I think that is why I became a chameleon.  I was desperate to be accepted.   Now I know how very much we all have in common and I am determined to be my real self no matter what.

I also realize that it isn’t Scarlett that I resent. Scarlett is just a shadowy figure that some girls put on to protect their tender hearts.  I realize that each of us only want one thing….to be loved and accepted.

Here are 5 lessons, words to the wise, from Scarlett herself:

1.  I am not mean! You just let people get away with murder!  You are so nice to everyone even the ones who are mean to you and treat you like dirt.  Don’t be afraid of hurting people’s feelings.  If something is not right, speak up.  You are the one who teaches other people how to treat you. (Thanks Dr. Phil) I only look mean because you don’t understand me.

2. Don’t be upset if some people don’t like you. I don’t waste one red hot second worried that some people don’t like me.  I know who my friends are and I don’t care that some people don’t get me. You try so hard to get everyone to like you and that seems fake to me.  I may not like it all the time, but I respect people being real with me.  No one can be that sweet all the time.

3. Don’t try to be like me. Be yourself.  Secretly I envy how easy going you are.  I know I am sharp and abrupt sometimes but that is only when I am fried. Once I set a goal I go full throttle after what I want.  I don’t mean to bowl people over, it is just my passion and determination to move forward that drives me.   Speak your mind to me and don’t fudge.  I appreciate that more than you know! (see #5 below)

4. I am softer inside than you would ever guess. I have been misunderstood my whole life.  It hurts my feelings when women gang up against me and think I am mean.  It is really hard for me to be seen as weak and wishy washy.  I am not good at asking for what I need and sometimes I cut off friends before they cut me out.  I  get hurt way easier than anyone knows.  Try to see my side of things and don’t try to change me.

5. I more insecure than you know, I just don’t show it. If I hurt your feelings, here is what to do.  I get really lonely and I want to feel connected.  If you say this to me, I have a better chance of hearing your heart.  “I know you care for me and you would never intentionally hurt me, but when you__________________________________, I felt disconnected from you and I value our friendship.”  Even though I have a take no prisoners attitude about most things, I do treasure my close friends and they know the real me.

Bottom line?

The most successful relationships happen when people are REAL. I know that is no surprise, but walking it out can be tricky.  I LOVE Scarlett!!  I need her sass and spark.  I used to resent her because I didn’t understand why I didn’t fit into her crowd.  Knowing how insecure she is some times helps me understand her and I can stop trying to change her to fit my expectations.

“How long has it been since you broke up?”

“Three years since he broke our engagement”  The somber woman reported.

“Three years?” I repeated.  “Have you dated at all since then?”

“I’ve tried but I keep meeting married guys or players.”

“Sounds like you are pretty discouraged.”

“I am.  But I am so ready to move on. I don’t want to waste another minute being mad at him anymore.  It’s just killing me!”  She said with an ironic laugh.  “I thought he was the one, I was wrong and I deserve another chance!”

“You bet you do!” I smiled. “Let’s talk about getting over Lost Love…..let me tell you about Monica.  She is a Scarlett too and  well….seeing is believing, take a look:”

Are you ready for real change?

Are you tired of your Saboteur keeping love at a distance?

Have you been searching for an easy way to melt your self sabotage?

You are in the right place!

Welcome to EFT Cupid: Tap Into Love

Do you wish you could learn how to use EFT to attract your Soul Mate? I hear you and every other week I lead EFT practice sessions for my members.

You will work with me personally to turbo charge your own EFT results. There is something amazing about doing EFT in a group.

The unified intention of the callers to Find Real Love is magical. I am opening this new program so that I can work with all of the Rapunzels, Snow Whites and Scarletts out there who are ready for LOVE!

The EFT Cupid program is included in my private membership site and you can try it for only $9.97 for a month to see if you like it.

Just click right here for all of the info:  http://EFTCupid.com

Loving you and your Saboteur!  Come Tap yourself into True Love!

“Nice.” Marisol swerved to miss the annoying car on the freeway. “What a jerk. Learn how to drive!” Flashing her middle finger as she zoomed by in her BMW convertible.

A love of fashion is finally paying off as she has enough money to dress in the latest styles. Marisol looks like a complete success, but…..

A control freak? Yes, and so ironic because Marisol, a true Scarlett, feels like the biggest fraud in the world. Sure she has a great wardrobe, she also has a ton of credit card debt.

continue

From The E Mail Bag

Andreya writes: “I do want to be with my body/mind/soulmate. I don’t remember being abandoned by girlfriends while I was dating someone nor when I broke up with him. I found my girlfirends most supportive. This was true for boyfriends and when I divorced…..

I have long-term male and female friends, friendships lasting decades. I am visiting a guy friend and his family as well as a single friend for two weeks each on my trip to California….

AND, I am still single and would prefer to be with my body/mind/soulmate. (I want it all.) Do you think I am sabotaging?”

Hi Andreya,

Thanks for your post. I admire your ability to sustain lasting relationships for so many years. It is comforting to have a host of supporters…like the cell phone commercial!

Even though you have wonderful friends, there is no doubt that what you want (to meet men who could be that Soul Mate) is not measuring up to what is happening (you are only meeting men who do not qualify or you are not meeting new and interesting men at all).  Yes…this is self sabotage!

What I do know for sure from my work with highly successful women who can’t find the right guy, is that they are not aware of the image they are projecting to the world.

Most are stunned to realize that they are projecting an “I’m not available” image. Not only that, little do they know that this image or vibe is amazingly efficient at keeping the “right” type of man out of their experience.

How do I know this to be true? Exactly, how many prospects with real potential have you dated in the last year? I rest my case!

If you think you might be sending out this “I love being single” vibe when you want to be sending a “I’m ready for a man with substance ” vibe, it is wise to look deep within your heart to see what is behind your singleness.

One way to approach this is to take a few days to compile a list of all the best parts about your life right now. What are the advantages of being single? While you might not come up with many at first, if you work on this for a couple of days, you may surprise yourself. Once your list is complete, go through each item and decide mindfully whether or not you are negotiable on it.

This self reflection may be just what the doctor ordered in helping you discover why you are still single. If you still don’t see yourself as unapproachable, ask a close friend to go through your list with you. Her view of your current state of affairs or lack of (sorry, couldn’t resist) may add extra dimension to your self inquiry.

Once you unearth the root to your singleness, you will have one of two outcomes. One, you may indeed embrace your singleness with new passion as it IS life affirming for you or two, you will find yourself in the right place and the right time more often where you will cross paths with many more interesting and available men!

Talk about a win-win!

Good luck to you, Andreya!

Catherine

Wandering if your self sabotage style is blocking your way to love?  Find out if you are a Scarlett, Rapunzel or Snow White right here:  http://budurl.com/lovesabotage