Stressing and Obsessing about that ex of yours has to come to an end. How badly do you want a guy who really treats you right?  Seriously, on a scale of 1 to 10, how much do you crave a forever partner?

Can you see how important it is to get control over your emotions?  How attractive are you when you are freaking out?

Guy Kayasaki in his FAB book Enchantment, describes an excellent boss who remains at the top of his game because he constantly reminds himself what a tough boss he is to work with.

You have to face the fact that you are a complicated package. You feel things deeply and don’t feel understood very often.  Don’t you get hurt feelings a lot of the time?  How attractive is that, right?

I recently got this question from a frustrated Rapunzel, one of my private members,  who has no trouble seeing her faults, in fact she has slipped to the other side of the equation and is ‘beating up on herself’ at her inability to stop stressing and obsessing.  Here is her note and my answer:

Dear Catherine,

Sometimes I start using EFT on an issue and then another becomes apparent and another and so on and then I feel very overwhelmed at which one I need to focus on, in other words, which issue is the core issue?

I then feel very frustrated and angry with myself for having so many issues and for not being tough enough to “get over myself”!

Is there an exercise that can help find the core issue so that I can focus on that? Does anyone else feel this way sometimes?

Hi Rapunzel,

Thanks for such a great question!

When you are tapping on a problem and another problem comes to your mind, we have a couple of things to hash out.

Here are some tips for creating a great tapping script when you are overwhelmed:

1. You will have easiest results when you get to as specific an incident to tap on as possible. For example, Bossy Betty at work is not good to tap on, the time Bossy Betty spilled coffee on the report you had been working on for three weeks is.  If you are not specific enough, your mind searches for something to hook on to and jumps all over the place.

2. If Bossy Betty is the problem, think of the last thing she did that really got to you. Then get out a notebook and write the thing down, in movie title form:

The Time Bossy Betty Spilled Coffee on the Report. (Sometimes my beloved Rapunzels point out to me that Bossy Betty does 100 things a day that are annoying. I know. But to kick start your brain into the pleasure zone, you have to pick one.)

Now ask yourself: What Bugs Me About That? Wait for the answer. Write it down and then ask the question again. Keep repeating until you reach the end.

This is magical brain detective work and will help you find what is really at the bottom of your reaction to Bossy Betty.

Here is an example:

The Time that Bitch Bossy Betty Ruined my Report. (A Little Drama Allowed)

What bugs me about that? I worked so hard on the thing.

What bugs me about that? Not only did I not get credit, now I have to start over.

What bugs me about that? Her stupidity

What bugs me about that? People should know better

What bugs me about that? People are so careless

What bugs me about that? People should care

What bugs me about that? People should care about how hard I work

What bugs me about that? They are taking advantage of me

What bugs me about that? I hate it here

What bugs me about that? I’m wasting so much time.

I recently heard a quote I love. Life is 20% what happens to you and 80% how you react to it. So, so true. Take your time and just keep asking the question over and over until you get the true answer.

Now you have the perfect EFT tapping script. Just go through the points tapping on each answer. Then finish with a round that says this or something like it:

“Thank you Universe that dingy Bossy Betty spilled the bleepin’ coffee on my report because if she didn’t, I wouldn’t have tracked down that place in my brain that hid the pain from me.

Thank you for showing me the parts of my brain that make me feel overwhelmed. Thank you for helping me calm and settle my brain chemistry.”

It might feel weird to use words like brain and brain chemistry when you are manifesting your soul mate but go ahead and do it anyway. Your brain is confused… programmed wrong….. it is the root of your love sabotage.

Life has conditioned your brain to act as if Love hurts and is potentially fatal (I know that is a little dramatic, but the Saboteur’s love it that way….that’s why you are still single!)

When you track down the grand daddy aha at the bottom of your questions, you then bring refreshing restorative pleasure brain chemicals into that very place. Sweet relief?

You bet, and remember, Abraham Hicks has been telling us for years that our number one goal should be relief. They are so so right!

You can train your brain to fall in love. Keep using all the tools you are learning. EFT is my personal favorite, however there are literally dozens of techniques you can use to change your brain’s chemical state.

Your job is to recognize when you are freaking out and deal with it as a physical brain issue first. This takes practice, but you can do it.  Once you relieve the stress chemicals and find relief, then make the decision that is freaking you out. Then for sure you will stop freaking out about your ex.

“I thought we had something real.” Jen sobbed.

“He was the most romantic man I had ever been with. He was so polite and showered me with gifts and flowers.”

“I didn’t want to sleep with him yet, but he seemed so perfect.” Her voice cracked again.

“What happened,” I asked gently.

“He changed completely. He stopped texting first and then before I knew what happened, he started flirting with other girls on Facebook, and now…”

Jen started to weep on the line.

So how do you tell that the Knight in Shining Armor who has shown up is True Blue? How can you see the Wolves in Sheep’s clothing before you get bitten?

All the answers you are looking for, all the vibrational energy you need, all of your potential is locked away in your Saboteur’s Domain.

Your Saboteur holds the Key to the Secret Kingdom in your heart. If you attract the Wolf in Sheep’s clothing instead of the Knight in Shining Armor, the reason is that a “Disappointment Magnet” is alive and well in your vibration.

Find out how to Demagnetize your Disappointment Magnet.

Don’t wait another moment to attract the love you ache for. You can magnetize yourself to love….you just need to know how!

Here are 5 action steps to Demagnetize Yourself From Disappointment:

1.  Accept that a part of you wants you to stay single and safe.  I know that is hard to take, but it is completely true.  The more it annoys you to think about it, the truer it is.

2. Acknowledge that you have manifested singleness.  It isn’t getting any easier is it?  You, yes you have created your single life style.   It may  not have been your conscious intent to be single, but you can’t argue with the reality of your current single experience.  A glance at your ringless left hand reveals the truth.

3. Align yourself with teachers and mentors who teach inner healing.  Fear of being hurt again is a terrible burden to bear.  There are literally hundreds of coaches, healers and teachers out there ready and able to help you change your mind about the rat bastards in your past.

4. Allow yourself to let go…once and for all.  I know that Ex broke your heart.  Good grief, everyone within 100 miles knows he broke your heart.  You must find a way to stop telling the story of your loss.  You are the only one who can make the choice to move forward.

5. Act as if you are already loved and adored.  This isn’t so hard, the key is to take your eye off of romantic love for a moment. For one week, stay alert to the people who cross your path.  Notice random acts of kindness coming your way.  Make eye contact with service people you run into.

The Universe is bound and determined to connect you to love, set an intention to NOTICE love in your daily life.  I guarantee you will see it.

I know that disappointment has broken your heart.  I talk to people nearly every day just like you.  Your Saboteur wants you to believe that you are the only person that has been hurt like this.  LOL.  Come on.  Reach out for help, you will be glad you did.

Curious about your Saboteur?  http://TakeTheSoulMateQuiz.com and find out for yourself.

PS You can retrain your brain and change the neural pathways that are stuck in the rut of self hating thoughts.

PPSS The lonelier you are, the more your brain is feeding you ugly thoughts about yourself. No wonder Fear of Disappointment is such a strong force!

“Catherine, I wanted you to be the first to know…. I got engaged last weekend!“

Before Sarah and I met, she was 38, wanted to have children of her own and hadn’t dated in 5 years. 8 months later she sent me an email with her good news! Now she is planning her wedding!

Ready to March into March with an action plan for melting your self sabotage patterns before Spring? Could there be a wedding for you in 2011?

When Sarah connected with her Rapunzel, everything changed. She stopped complaining and started campaigning to befriend her Saboteur…that is when everything changed.

Sarah learned how she was actually RESISTING the very dream she was craving. Once she got it… everything changed!

Would you like to know the very Secrets that turned things around for Sarah? Listen to this FREE audio coaching session where I reveal three secrets that your Saboteur does NOT want you to know!

Remember…it is self sabotage that is the final frontier between you and your happily-ever-after! Make this the moment you say YES to a delicious future like Sarah’s.

I would LOVE to see you free from Sabotage!!

Here’s FREE recording:

http://cat3733.audioacrobat.com/download/3SabotageSecrets.mp3

If you listen to one recording this month…this is the one not to miss!

Love and Magic….

Catherine

PS I bet your Saboteur is whispering to you….”I bet you already know the secrets…don’t get your hopes up again.”

PPSS Just tell her…”Shhhhhh. I LOVE secrets!”

“I never ever felt attractive.” she whispered quietly.

Janet Jackson was interviewed recently by ABC’s Meredith Vieira and I was touched by her story. This Diva, who exudes confidence, sexuality and drama while on stage, is a classic Rapunzel…trembling in emotional pain behind the walls of her confident public self.

In the eye opening interview, Jackson was open and vulnerable, frequently in tears in her recollections.  How could this be? Beautiful, talented and brilliant Janet Jackson, feeling unattractive. What hope is there for the rest of us?

As is true with many Rapunzels, Janet misinterpreted and personalized the cruel teasing of family and friends. Instead of seeing that the teasers were just being stupid and spouting off, she took in the words like seeds and those seeds grew into a tangle of strangling low self-esteem.

Unable to withstand the harshness of the teasing, she steadily created a cocoon of safety around her heart.  When Rapunzel is finally ready to try love, that energetic and very efficient armor is not able to let the seeds of real love get through and grow.

“You fat cow.” (I know, heartbreaking, isn’t it?)  Those awful seeds sunk deeply into  Janet’s heart.  Who wouldn’t want to raise a shield three feet thick?

These and the hundreds of other harmful words thrown carelessly her way built a tower of unlovableness, self hatred and self denial.  You see, Rapunzels are hyper-sensitive in many dimensions and fear the pain of disappointment more than they even know.

Each thought of pain, betrayal and abuse strengthens the tower that holds a Rapunzel away from True Love! Even though the offending event was years ago, today’s thoughts hold the same energetic charge….it is like reliving the awfulness again and again.

Can you relate?  Do you feel like a Rapunzel?  There is something important you need to know. You can be fully loved and still protect your heart.  As your old tower is being dismantled, you get to have a fabulous new one, designed perfectly for you!  The Divine knows that you need tender loving care and deep protection.

Your new tower is built out of bricks of light. Each brick a piece of real world evidence that good fortune and positivity really do exist.  Keep watching for the concrete evidence that the Divine is in this with you. They are like the breadcrumbs leading you to your True Love.

You will always have your Inner Crystal Tower. The bricks are made out of  the times you notice good coming your way, the mortar is your new beliefs.  The resulting new tower is tall, strong and flexible.

As a Rapunzel, it may not be fair, but it is true, you need to have a bit more strategy when you approach love. Because you feel safest in an extremely quiet environment, you need to plan for that.  If you attract a man who doesn’t understand that, it will never work.

The trick is how to tell him in a way that feels like a win for both of you.  Your ideal man is a man who will listen to you and respond with questions and not criticism.  You are the most sensitive of all the Saboteurs.  Be brave and tell the people who love you what you need to hear to feel loved.  They will treasure this info!

A change in language, that is the words you use to express yourself, will guarantee an inner feeling of security that will anchor you.  Here is what I mean:

You: Baby, we need to talk.

Him: (Visible pulling back, thinking ‘What’d I do?’)  Uh..OK.

You: (Throat closing) I feel smothered.  You are always around.  I can’t breathe sometimes.

Him: (Closing down quicker than an umbrella salesman in New York when the rain disappears.)  Uh..

You: It is not that I don’t love you.  I do.  I love and adore you.  (Tears start to fall)

Him: (Scared, hurt and confused) Let’s talk later baby. (Knowing he never will)

You: (Cruelly yelling at yourself inside for even bringing it up) I’m sorry baby.  I’m sorry.

What’s going on?  You are both hitting panic mode and panic attracts panic. This is self sabotage at its awful best.  Inner mechanisms that are on automatic.  Being open to another has had disastrous consequences over and over.  Rapunzel, deeply sensitive, takes these the hardest of all Saboteurs.

That is why it is critical that you start using a new language to tell the story of what you want. Your own ears need to hear a realistic and hopeful story about what is possible….in words you can trust and believe.

Once you form your magnetic statements from these new words, your Saboteur will relax her hold and you will draw more and more good to your life.

Here are some examples, see if you can feel the difference between each:

“I need to be with a man who is financially well off and can buy me anything I want.”

“I want a man who is good with money and exquisitely generous with me.”

or

“I need time to myself and I don’t want to attract a needy man who smothers me.”

“I want a man who values time alone and honors my need for solitude and peace.“

If I could speak to Janet Jackson, this is what I would tell her:

Girl, you are one tough cookie. Like a fragile violet, you have done your best to shine in a hostile environment and you have done an amazing job.  But, as a Rapunzel, you will always need a place of safety and retreat, even when you are with your True Love.

This is the secret of sustaining a relationship instead of sabotaging it. Take the time to build that Inner Tower.  Collect evidence of positivity and brick by brick you will create an Inner Sanctuary that only you can enter.

This Inner Tower will give you the feeling of security you have always longed for. You are a delicate one, yes that is true.  But delicate is steel strong at its core.  Fragile is simply a mindset and a mindset can be changed.

When you find your Inner Tower you will finally feel your value and see yourself as your fans do. You are so deeply loved and when you accept yourself as deeply, love will flood into your life.

xoxoxo

Time to rally Rapunzels! Are you really ready for true love? Check your tower, is it dark and cold or filled with light and hope?  Only you can pick the day the tower comes down and lets the light of love come in.  Let your dreams for love energize you to get what you are longing for.

Celebrity Saboteur: Anne Hathaway – Luminous Snow White

Sabotage Lessons From Charlie Sheen

Could you be a Rapunzel?  Take the Saboteur Survey and find out:  http://budurl.com/lovesabotage

“Why can’t I just let go?”

“A part of me cannot see why I need to.  I want it to work out between us even though I know he isn’t the one.”

I heard the sound of quiet weeping on the other end of the phone.

“Is there anything in you that whispers that he might truly change and that you would feel valued, respected and loved?” I asked gently.

“No.” Sighed Sarah. “I think I am afraid that no one else will come.”

I could sense her throat tightening up and feel her tear as it began to touch her cheek. I am able to feel my clients feelings. At first, I feel them when they feel nothing.

I know that is a little weird, but it is true. By the end of our work together, Sarah was able to feel the feelings too. We could resonate together and feel the pulse of life in a cool way.

This Rapunzel like the others before her have been deeply hurt by betrayal and lies. Fear and anger were like the mortar holding her tower of protection into place.

She sabotages by isolating herself, even when she is with someone.  The problem is that the tower is single occupancy and there will never be room for a soul mate to move in.

Once Sarah could let go of her lost dreams and hopes, she began to build a new tower for herself. A Tower with bricks of self acceptance and self compassion with a mortar of love and peace.  Now she is engaged.  Good for you, Sarah!

When you learn to feel what being loved and accepted feels like, really feels like, you won’t be able to settle anymore. You already have experiences within your tapestry of memories of exquisite moments.

Moments like being acknowledged publicly at work or school, cheered on at a toddler ballet recital, wept over by your emotional mom while you played a viola piece you loved or the first powerful and oh so innocent crush on that first guy.

The problem is that those great memories are hidden in the dark complication of the remorse, regrets and rejection in the years between then and now. The flow of these three invisible energetic forces, Regret, Remorse and Rejection is a raging river separating you from your own core.

You are separated from the center of your own heart. You on one side of that river, your heart on the other. Without your heart, you cannot attract your true love.

Even though you have your vision board and are saying affirmations and you are claiming that you are ready for love, you are radiating loneliness, disappointment and emptiness on an energetic level.  And girl, you have to do something about that.

This raging river of ill will toward men in general and romance in particular, rushing through your emotions, is dominating your choices, your language, your mood and your reactions to life circumstances. It controls your love life by attracting men who have raging rivers of their own.

These relationships are certain to fall apart when the pain each person feels is blamed, consciously or unconsciously on the other. Then you get into a vicious cycle and the river rages stronger and stronger.

EFT is the best tool I know to neutralize that river….calm it down and transform it into Peace, Detachment and Acceptance. Once the forces within you are operating in calmness and ease, and the inner river is flowing easily with no stress, memories from the past that hold real creative juice will come forward.

You already have every thing you need to feel the deep magnetism that assures you that you are loved. The power of past love and disappointment is the block needing your attention.

Knowing you are ok and everything is progressing along at its perfect rate is hard, Rapunzel, I know you are tired of waiting. Your expectations can easily get inflated setting yourself up for disappointment.

Tell yourself things like this: “My life is unfolding at the exact right pace.” “I am learning to see good things that are coming my way…even if they are tiny.” “I want to feel happy”. “Being happy feels really good.” Even if it doesn’t feel like it is doing any good. It is. Your ears need to hear your voice carrying this positivity to your brain.

Once you radiate your authentic self, free of any fears of criticism or ridicule, you’re there. There is someone out there who is looking for exactly that….your real and true adorable self.

He is out there, Sweet Rapunzel, don’t compromise what is most precious to you to stay with a man. Be a soul mate to your own Soul first, then you are ready to be open to Your True Love, you will feel it clearly.

Can you relate?  Wonder if you might be a Rapunzel?  Take the Love Sabotage Assessment and check it out for free:  http://EndLoveSabotage.com

“Your ears are horrible.”His voice echoes in her ears 25 years later.

“You’ll never make it in this business looking like that.”

Years of painful memories from cruel childhood bullies come flooding back every time Denise remembers that agent’s abrupt appraisal of her ears.

“F–k him”, she thought.  “F–k him”. Barbra Streisand never fixed her nose, of course, Barbra didn’t have her ears. Terrified of losing her opportunity, she allowed the cruel man to push her and manipulate her from that day forward.

Ever since that day, her ears never appeared in public again. Even though she had surgery years ago to ‘pin’ the little devils into more appropriate posture, she still cowered in fear of an old picture from 6th grade popping up.  For some reason, her mom rejoiced in plaiting her hair into tight strings against her scalp for picture day.

Blessed with gorgeous hair, she wore it down and long, causing immense jealousy among her friends.In fact, her friends couldn’t possibly understand the huge fear of rejection that their compliments refused to soothe.

In fact, she was tired of hearing the string of comments she heard from every one.  ”How can you still be single?”  ”You are beautiful.”  ”You would be a great wife.”  Or the worst one of all,  ”You know, these days, being a successful single woman is more accepted than ever.”

Maybe they are right, she would think, maybe there is no one for me out there. It’s true that her life looks charmed from the outside looking in.  A successful TV anchor woman, Denise had traveled the world and was highly respected.

With a personal stylist and hair and makeup taken care of every day, she always appeared at her very best.  Little did her fans know how deeply insecure she felt without her entourage, makeup and wardrobe.

“What’s wrong with me?”  she said to her reflection in the mirror. At 45, she knew the network was interviewing younger, bustier women and she could see the handwriting on the wall.  All Denise wanted, all she had dreamed about her whole life was a husband.  Truth be known, she would have given up her whole career, to have the one thing she never found.

Why is True Love so very hard for some women to find? Denise is a Rapunzel and if you look into her past, you might find the clues, really the steps that she took that built that tower…one brick at a time.  Just like the fairy tale, the inner tower of safety she has built for herself for safety, now holds her prisoner.

That agent wasn’t the first person who rudely picked at her appearance. Her own mother used to tell her, “You look like death warmed over….go put on some makeup.”  Her father had taken off when she was 2 and her mom hated him.  She told Denise time and again, “Don’t trust men.  They will take what they want and throw you away when they are done.”

Fear and hurt served as the mortar between the brick after brick of disappointment in all of her relationships. Both boyfriends and girlfriends filled her life with drama in her school years.  Her natural good looks got her all kinds of attention, but she never felt beautiful so she always assumed people were just being nice or flat out lying.

Now, at 45, Denise is brittle, disappointed and hopeless.

Is there hope for Rapunzel? In a word, yes.  But Rapunzel has her work cut out for her.  In order to find the Love she has always longed for, Rapunzel must open up to the good opinions of others and AGREE with them.  She must stop beating herself up on the inside.

The most ironic and poignant part of all of this is that she has become her own worst enemy and her inner talk is laced with the same bullying she endured as a young person. If you can relate to Denise’s story, here are some action steps you can right now to start dismantling your defenses and let Love in:

1.  Accept Compliments. You have probably heard this before, but for Rapunzel’s this is critical.  When someone compliments you, I want you to say to yourself, “They are right, I do have beautiful hair, a great outfit, a fab sense of humor.”  Whatever is praised in you, you must start AGREEING with them.  Your default reaction is to DISAGREE with all kindness sent your way.  Stop that today.

2.  Write a Letter. Rapunzel, you have been through more hurt than is fair.  You know it, I know it.  Write a letter to your 16 year old self and tell her what you have learned so far.  Give her advice.  Encourage your 16 year old the way no one else did.  Then, write a letter to your 21 year old self. And then, write a letter to the one who let the great guy get away.  Personally, I love to burn the letters I write…a ceremony between me and me.

3.  Be Mad. This is one of my very favorite techniques.  Get a piece of paper and a couple of pens.  Think back and bring someone to mind who was mean or unkind to you.  All you do is write that person’s first name…over and over and over.  As you write it, notice your feelings.  You might notice your grip on the pen gets tighter.  You might notice your belly tighten or your chest ache.  Just notice.  You will notice that as you go on, you will reach an end.  Then think of another person and do the same.  Again, burning the papers is recommended….in a safe place of course.  I have a metal Burning Bowl I use for these exercises.

4.  Forgive Yourself. This is a crucial step.  Sure you are still single, I know, but you have to let yourself off the hook.  You have done the best you can.  Remember that she may be misinformed, but your Saboteur is sure that being alone is better for you.  Now that you are getting this information and these tools, you can change your course.  Tell yourself everyday, “Even though I have locked my heart away in the past, I am ready to open my life to new possibilities.”

5.  Let Down Your Hair. Rapunzel, you are deeply in need of FUN!  What are you doing in your life right now that is pleasurable and fun?  Think back to things you liked to do when you were 10 years old.  Were you a roller skater, bike rider, tree climber, beach walker?  Rent your favorite comedies on TV and laugh your ass off.  Fill your heart with laughter and your Love Vibe will leap into flame!

XOXO

How about you, do you wonder which Saboteur you are?  Check it out:

http://www.attractyoursoulmatenow.com/blog/true-love-saboteur-assessment/

“Nice.” Marisol swerved to miss the annoying car on the freeway. “What a jerk. Learn how to drive!” Flashing her middle finger as she zoomed by in her BMW convertible.

A love of fashion is finally paying off as she has enough money to dress in the latest styles. Marisol looks like a complete success, but…..

A control freak? Yes, and so ironic because Marisol, a true Scarlett, feels like the biggest fraud in the world. Sure she has a great wardrobe, she also has a ton of credit card debt.

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When it comes to self-sabotage, every unmarried woman has a style that “works” for her.
(When you looked in the mirror this morning, did a single girl look back at you?)  From frivolous deal breakers to being consumed by your career, are you putting your love life at the end of your list?  If you are not careful, years can slip by and leave you without a partner.  Is it too late?  NO!

Once you know what your Saboteur style is, you can make an action plan and change your fate. There is no shortage of Love.  And, there are more than enough single guys out there searching for their mate.  Men don’t do very well single.  They crave the companionship, intimacy and connection they don’t get with their male buddies.If you are aching to find love but terrified of being hurt or disappointed, you may resonate with the Rapunzel style of sabotage.  Take a peek and see what you think:

Rapunzel

• Natural beauty but blind to it.  Doesn’t see herself the way others see her.

• In a dead end loop driven by her need to feel in control and safe yet wanting to belong to someone forever.

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Who me?  Self Sabotage?

Still single?  Yes….self sabotage. Can you accept that a part of you is terrified of being disappointed….again.

Somehow, your Saboteur has gotten the idea that you are safest living alone. She is convinced that you would rather be alone than happy.  Ouch.  Doubtful?  How do YOU explain how you have manifested singleness over all these years….and done it so completely?

The True Love Saboteurs each have a sabotage style unique to their personalities. Whether you are a Rapunzel, Snow White or Scarlett O’Hara, you will change your luck in love once you know your own sabotage style.  There is really good news here.  Your Saboteur is the most powerful manifester you are likely to meet. Think about it, you have manifested singleness in spite of all your efforts to be find your True Love.

Once you seduce your Saboteur and get her to work on your side, what might be possible for you?

Ladies, it is my pleasure to introduce you to True Love Saboteur Snow White:

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Isn’t it time you DID give a damn?

Ladies, it is my pleasure to introduce you to True Love Saboteur Scarlett O’Hara:

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