Is that normal?
When Genevieve, a Rapunzel, was younger, she had a long string of intimate relationships. She didn’t see it as love sabotage. Sex was a natural part of her dating life. It started when she was 15. Sex became no big deal. Now at 43 and struggling to define love differently, she isn’t sure what is normal.
“I think I am really in love. He makes me feel amazing. Every time we are together, I want to be with him more and more. We laugh and laugh together. We sleep in the same bed with our clothes on. But I don’t WANT to have sex with him. Isn’t that weird????”
She was talking really fast and I could feel her excitement. “Last night we had a long talk about sex, about what we like and don’t like, fantasies and stuff like that. Then he asked me if I wanted to have sex.”
“I burst out laughing and said no, I’m not ready and I wasn’t afraid to tell him.”
Then she collapsed in a fit of giggling. “ME!!” She howled, “Me turning down sex!!”
“Are you attracted to him?” I asked.
“That’s the crazy thing,” she said, “He is so handsome! I can’t stop thinking about him and I want to be with him all the time.”
Genevieve’s delight is so tangible, I replay her story over and over in my mind. In a way, when you befriend your saboteur, it is as if your sweet fourteen year old self, the one that was so terribly hurt and disappointed in love all those years ago, is being given a second chance.
I remember Ruby, a Chinese Rapunzel with limited English skills. Coaching her was a challenge as I broke down the steps of breakup recovery into words she could understand. Ruby had met a man on Match.com and after 4 months of happiness, found out he was married.
She knew he lived in a different state. She accepted that he was only in her town for business every couple of weeks. She also was completely blindsided when she found out he was married. As she told me her story, here is a key point:
“In my country, you fall in love first and then you have sex. In your country, you have sex first and then fall in love. I don’t understand.”
No, I said to Ruby, you have it right! You SHOULD be in love before you have sex. Your people have it right. Not because it is morally right or wrong, that is not what this is about. The reason to love first is about hearing from your inner senses, feeling your way along so you know exactly who to sleep with when you do.
Genevieve had slept with so many men, her inner guidance was disconnected. In true Rapunzel fashion, she careened from relationship to relationship having great sex but never connecting with the men in a meaningful way.
Now, with this new man, everything is different. He thrills her. She loves him and she is in no hurry to have sex. Is it normal? Yep, it is for Genevieve. As I ask her every time we speak, how does this feel to you? On a scale of 1 to 10, how happy are you when you are with him? How happy are you just thinking about him?
As long as you feel your way through opening up to a man and keep yourself feeling high on your scale of happiness, you cannot go wrong. I promise.
What you can’t possibly know when you are a young, is how impossibly delicious the time is before you have sex with someone you adore. It is a time that cannot be restored. Making it last as long as possible is your goal!
So what do you do? Enjoy, enjoy, enjoy!! I have been married for 5 years now and I still go back to that time to refuel my appreciation for my Larry. I was living about 45 minutes away from him and we were falling in love quickly. I remember watching out the window for his car. I remember seeing it turn down the street.
My heart started to pound. I was so excited he was coming. I made myself wait for a few moments before I answered the door bell even though I wanted to run out and meet him in the parking lot.
He smelled really good and l remember how the fabric of his yellow turtle neck felt under my fingers. We were laying on the couch together looking into each others eyes. The edge between risk of falling in love again and the undeniable physical chemistry drove our enchantment with one another.
I am so happy we had that time. Just like Genevieve and Ruby, I lost a lot of innocence when I was young. Love was twisted and painful in the players on the stage of my life. Blah, blah, blah…who of us doesn’t have drama in the past.
Now, when I see the parts of my husband that are cross and anxious and I dodge for cover, I don’t freak out anymore. I go back to that day in early autumn of 2004 and imagine myself running my hand up Larry’s chest, feeling the softness of his beautiful yellow turtleneck and every single time, I get a flood of the same feelings I had on that day and I love him like that all over again.
So, darling Genevieve, you are learning a new normal for yourself, and you are doing just fine! You are open and curious about your man and all of the loving feelings you are feeling for him are like bread crumbs leading you home.
Love Sabotage will not betray you. If after 4 months, you are not feeling it for him, you will know clearly and you will be able to move on.
What you can count on is this. If this man is not your forever man, he is SO close that when the right one does find you, it will be even better. I promise.
Wonder if you are with the right guy? Click here for a Should I Stay or Should I Go Psychic Reading and find out!
“I never ever felt attractive.” she whispered quietly.
Janet Jackson was interviewed recently by ABC’s Meredith Vieira and I was touched by her story. This Diva, who exudes confidence, sexuality and drama while on stage, is a classic Rapunzel…trembling in emotional pain behind the walls of her confident public self.
In the eye opening interview, Jackson was open and vulnerable, frequently in tears in her recollections. How could this be? Beautiful, talented and brilliant Janet Jackson, feeling unattractive. What hope is there for the rest of us?
As is true with many Rapunzels, Janet misinterpreted and personalized the cruel teasing of family and friends. Instead of seeing that the teasers were just being stupid and spouting off, she took in the words like seeds and those seeds grew into a tangle of strangling low self-esteem.
Unable to withstand the harshness of the teasing, she steadily created a cocoon of safety around her heart. When Rapunzel is finally ready to try love, that energetic and very efficient armor is not able to let the seeds of real love get through and grow.
“You fat cow.” (I know, heartbreaking, isn’t it?) Those awful seeds sunk deeply into Janet’s heart. Who wouldn’t want to raise a shield three feet thick?
These and the hundreds of other harmful words thrown carelessly her way built a tower of unlovableness, self hatred and self denial. You see, Rapunzels are hyper-sensitive in many dimensions and fear the pain of disappointment more than they even know.
Each thought of pain, betrayal and abuse strengthens the tower that holds a Rapunzel away from True Love! Even though the offending event was years ago, today’s thoughts hold the same energetic charge….it is like reliving the awfulness again and again.
Can you relate? Do you feel like a Rapunzel? There is something important you need to know. You can be fully loved and still protect your heart. As your old tower is being dismantled, you get to have a fabulous new one, designed perfectly for you! The Divine knows that you need tender loving care and deep protection.
Your new tower is built out of bricks of light. Each brick a piece of real world evidence that good fortune and positivity really do exist. Keep watching for the concrete evidence that the Divine is in this with you. They are like the breadcrumbs leading you to your True Love.
You will always have your Inner Crystal Tower. The bricks are made out of the times you notice good coming your way, the mortar is your new beliefs. The resulting new tower is tall, strong and flexible.
As a Rapunzel, it may not be fair, but it is true, you need to have a bit more strategy when you approach love. Because you feel safest in an extremely quiet environment, you need to plan for that. If you attract a man who doesn’t understand that, it will never work.
The trick is how to tell him in a way that feels like a win for both of you. Your ideal man is a man who will listen to you and respond with questions and not criticism. You are the most sensitive of all the Saboteurs. Be brave and tell the people who love you what you need to hear to feel loved. They will treasure this info!
A change in language, that is the words you use to express yourself, will guarantee an inner feeling of security that will anchor you. Here is what I mean:
You: Baby, we need to talk.
Him: (Visible pulling back, thinking ‘What’d I do?’) Uh..OK.
You: (Throat closing) I feel smothered. You are always around. I can’t breathe sometimes.
Him: (Closing down quicker than an umbrella salesman in New York when the rain disappears.) Uh..
You: It is not that I don’t love you. I do. I love and adore you. (Tears start to fall)
Him: (Scared, hurt and confused) Let’s talk later baby. (Knowing he never will)
You: (Cruelly yelling at yourself inside for even bringing it up) I’m sorry baby. I’m sorry.
What’s going on? You are both hitting panic mode and panic attracts panic. This is self sabotage at its awful best. Inner mechanisms that are on automatic. Being open to another has had disastrous consequences over and over. Rapunzel, deeply sensitive, takes these the hardest of all Saboteurs.
That is why it is critical that you start using a new language to tell the story of what you want. Your own ears need to hear a realistic and hopeful story about what is possible….in words you can trust and believe.
Once you form your magnetic statements from these new words, your Saboteur will relax her hold and you will draw more and more good to your life.
Here are some examples, see if you can feel the difference between each:
“I need to be with a man who is financially well off and can buy me anything I want.”
“I want a man who is good with money and exquisitely generous with me.”
“I need time to myself and I don’t want to attract a needy man who smothers me.”
“I want a man who values time alone and honors my need for solitude and peace.“
If I could speak to Janet Jackson, this is what I would tell her:
Girl, you are one tough cookie. Like a fragile violet, you have done your best to shine in a hostile environment and you have done an amazing job. But, as a Rapunzel, you will always need a place of safety and retreat, even when you are with your True Love.
This is the secret of sustaining a relationship instead of sabotaging it. Take the time to build that Inner Tower. Collect evidence of positivity and brick by brick you will create an Inner Sanctuary that only you can enter.
This Inner Tower will give you the feeling of security you have always longed for. You are a delicate one, yes that is true. But delicate is steel strong at its core. Fragile is simply a mindset and a mindset can be changed.
When you find your Inner Tower you will finally feel your value and see yourself as your fans do. You are so deeply loved and when you accept yourself as deeply, love will flood into your life.
Time to rally Rapunzels! Are you really ready for true love? Check your tower, is it dark and cold or filled with light and hope? Only you can pick the day the tower comes down and lets the light of love come in. Let your dreams for love energize you to get what you are longing for.
Could you be a Rapunzel? Take the Saboteur Survey and find out: http://budurl.com/lovesabotage
Attention Rapunzels, Snow Whites, Sleeping Beauties and Scarletts:
You are invited to Sabotage 911: Practical Steps To Re-vibe Your Love Vibe. This three hour virtual retreat is just what the doctor ordered to evict the ghosts of boyfriends past from your heart…once and for all! Check here for deets: Sabotage 911