“My partner’s bad mood is NOT in my mind! He is grouchy and mean spirited sometimes and I am SURE I am not attracting that behavior. I am not grouchy and mean spirited. How can the Law of Attraction be working when he is so melancholy all of the time and I am not?”
What a great question. Being in the same environment with another person on a day in and day out basis means we have to adjust to what is going on around us all the time. When our housemate is not faring well emotionally, some of us go into hyper rescue mode. We want to remove the bad mood from OUR surroundings so we start trying to help by saying and doing things we think are encouraging.
Have you ever noticed how that always seems to make things worse? The suffering person does not want to be cheered up and the result is sheer frustration. Is it our responsibility to cheer up the wallowing one? More importantly, is there something in us that actually attracts more of the depression we are seeing in our partner?
I don’t claim to understand all of this. Sharing a home with a soul mate ,can often be blissful and fulfilling and I am grateful for those moments, but what do we do when one of the pair is decidedly out of sorts? Here are five tips for coping with your overwhelmed and discouraged house mate without losing your emotional well-being:
1. Acknowledge that his angst is his angst. Tell yourself the facts as you see them. Your boyfriend is going through a challenge. He can’t see the way out. He is not a reader and doesn’t seek help in books. (I know, hard to believe but true.) He is picking at you and that is not cool. These are all good observations and will help you make a plan. It is hard to see him with loving eyes if he is having a pity party, especially if he really wants you in there with him.
2. Check in with yourself and notice what you are feeling. Once again, tell yourself what you are noticing. “I don’t like when he is like this. I feel disconnected and out of the loop. I feel alone and sad. I can’t cheer him up and he gets annoyed when I try. I feel yucky.” Be as honest and descriptive as you can about your own feelings
3. Ask yourself how you WANT to feel. “I want to feel separate from his problems. I want to feel happy and perky. I want to feel light-hearted. I want to feel hopeful and full of expectation. I want to feel encouraged and vibrant.” Just writing down how you want to feel is super empowering. How many of us skip this critical step and then wonder how the whole day goes by with little productivity.
4. Choose your point of focus for YOUR mood of the day. Yes, your partner is struggling and it is excruciating at times to see the emotional turmoil he is going through. Believe it or not, the best thing you can do is to lift your own spirits. Once you write down how you want to feel, you will give your Inner Being the marching orders it loves to fulfill. Your focus on YOUR well-being will change the dynamic in your home….subtley at first but with persistance, the entire mood of your home will shift.
5. Shine your light in his direction. Use your imagination to shower your man with love and light as often as you can. Being an invisible benefactor and fueling him with your highest intentions for his well being is a precious gift. He lets himself be known by you more deeply than any one else and your respect for his transparency will yield results. Sometimes your brightest light toward him will come when you are not with him. Go out and have some fun yourself. Go somewhere he isn’t into and focus on you and your well-being. When you come home, you will be refreshed and energized.
I know it feels unfair at times to just let the grouchy energy be with itself. After all, it is your home too, why do you have to put up with it? See, I can hear you all the way over here. The key is to realize that your reading of another person’s mood is a good thing. It reminds you of how you DON’T want to feel! Don’t try to fix him, make a choice to do something that uplifts YOU. When you get in the habit of responding in this way, you show by example how simple choices can radically change perspective on an issue. And as always, we teach more by our behavior than we do with our words.
“Should I go away and leave you alone for awhile?”
Asking my husband this little question is my way of telling my man that I see he is trying to focus his attention on something else and that he is not going to be available to me in that minute. Isn’t that evolved of me?
He always laughs and allows me to disengage myself gracefully. Even though there are times I want his love and attention and I want it now, I am slowly learning to rein myself in.
If he grunts at me, or worse, gives me no response at all, thoughts of self doubt, rejection and disappointment rush into my mind. I hate feeling like that and so I used to press even closer, deeper and insist, many times passive aggressively, on his undivided attention.
Of course, the more I turned it up, the faster he closed down and shut me out. Before I knew it, I felt completely cut off.
It has been a real shocker to accept that it is me who cut myself out!
I know when he is engaged in his paper, certain sports on TV or his computer projects that he isn’t going to give me the attention I want, but I march right over myself and insist anyway. Not a good idea.
Being honest with myself has helped me see that I am not all that attractive when I am acting like a wounded 13 year old in my lame attempt to manipulate him into paying attention to me.
I also am better able to look at what will really make me feel better. I do need some options so that I can nurture myself wherever I can. When I have my personal needs in hand and am doing things to make myself feel better when I need to, he is much more likely to engage with me more often and with more focus. Yay.
Here are a couple of the ways that I am learning that are feeding my soul and plugging me into me. Becoming self sufficient in the emotional needs department does not mean your man is totally off the hook. No, it means that when you are confident that your happiness is in your own hands, he will welcome opportunities to be with you and engage with you. I don’t blame him for not wanting to bond with a neurotic 13 year old, would you?
1. Write. I know you have heard about journaling for years and if you are like me, you have procrastinated a few years away not getting around to it. This time though, I have a specific assignment. Take one week and write a letter every day to seven of the people who have made an impact on your life. These are letters never meant to be sent, just gives you an opportunity to thank them.
2. Move. The diet and exercise community has created an ocean of guilt around exercise. The truth is, a part of your loves the feeling of the breeze on your face. A part of you loves fresh air. A part of you loves looking at the scenery. A part of you loves to walk instead of ride. Give that part the gift of your attention. Put a book on audio on your IPOD and listen while you walk. Tribes by Seth Godin is the best book you can be listening to right now.
3. Play. Get a checker board or deck of cards and start to play games with your friends. Instead of sitting there talking about what is not working or the latest gossip, play a game. Engage your mind and your companion in a brand new way.
4. Rest. There is a fabulous tool for physical rest that everyone should know about. You can get a “weighted blanket’ to lay under and create the deepest and most delicious body rest you can imagine. There is science around this that I can go into later, but take my word for it. If you are hyper like me, resting under a heavy blanket is nirvana! Go to http://www.weightedblanket.net and they will set you up.
5. Laugh. Rent your favorite comedies and watch them often. I love The Birdcage with Nathan Lane and Robin Williams and Liar Liar with Jim Carrey. Don’t wait for your man to want to watch them with you. Laugh hard and laugh long. You really can have fun by yourself.
My husband was leaving for golf this morning and I was doing my cute stuff, you know, wrapping my arms around him while he was trying to shave and pressing myself against him walking in tandem as he tried to leave.
I said, “I bet you will really miss someone hanging all over you while you are playing golf today!” He laughed and hugged me. He smiles at me with genuine fondness as he goes off to spend the day with his buds.
I know I matter to husband. I know he cares deeply about me. And I also know that he is relieved that I am able to provide so much of my emotional sustenance for myself. I am learning to enjoy my own company and you will never guess what has happened! I am becoming irresistible to him.
I have felt that way for a long time, I just didn’t know how to express it.
No one in my large family really gets me. There is always an underlying awkwardness that I reacted to by withdrawing and separating myself from the crowd. Family gatherings were painful and so we seem to have abandoned the effort. I have done fairly well without these connections over the years. Amazing what a person can get used to. But….
I received 75 birthday cards yesterday. Seventy Five!
Well, they were Facebook greetings on my computer, but they were received as if I were tearing open all the envelopes one by one. Some of the people sending greetings are old friends. One of them, my high school drama teacher, who I recently found on Facebook,I haven’t seen since 1970. Other friends are new. Most I have never met face to face. One was from a close family member.
Facebook is my new neighborhood. It has everything I want in a neighborhood. There are always people to interact with about any issue under the sun. It reminds me of life in Tower Dorm at Marquette University. No matter what time you came in, there was always a bevy of girls with rollers in their hair and cream on their faces ready to debrief you on your last wayward date.
It is a very polite neighborhood too. If I don’t want to be available, I simply disregard what is going on and check up on what other people are into that day. If it gets noisy, I just turn off the speakers. If people are rude, I can evict them from my neighborhood.
If I want to see pictures of a friend’s recent vacation or new grandbaby, I simply go to their Facebook page and not only do I get to see the photos, I can leave a note to let them know I stopped by. Yes, there are lots of grandmas and grandpas on Facebook!
It is easy to expand the borders of my neighborhood. Mari Smith, Pied Piper of Social Media, has a free e course that tells you how to get started. I wish I would have had this fab how-to guide right from the start. She knows how to make it easy to meet your new neighbors. You can get the basics by signing up for the free ecourse at http://www.marismith.com I will be interviewing Mari soon so watch your mailbox! I can’t wait for my neighborhood to meet Mari!
If you are already a member of Facebook and want to use it to expand your business, you will be astounded at the atmosphere of positivity you will find in your new neighborhood. Internet business is taking the world by storm. There is a new paradigm, a new business model that you can’t afford not to know about.
If you want to be part of the slim percentage that is still making money in this economy, you will save yourself headaches, belly aches and wallet aches if you invest in Social Media Simplified, a DVD series on how to maximize your business on line. The internet is the new marketplace….make it your neighborhood!
While all of the perks of living in this new neighborhood have been surprisingly profitable for my business, by far the best part is feeling connected to people who care enough to send the very best, their heart felt messages, a bit of themselves, over the miles. You see, I didn’t get any cards in my real mailbox on my birthday. I know for sure that my birth family loves and cares for me. We are just completely disconnected from one another and out of each others loops.
What I Know For Sure (Thanks Oprah!) is that the feelings that I used to think could only come from my birth family; the feeling inside of being respected, admired and liked; the precious feeling of knowing someone get you, is available from literally thousands of other people you haven’t met yet. There is something to this Tribe idea (thank you Seth Godin). When one tribe doesn’t get you, there are countless other ones you can find that will!
I feel included. And for a girl who has had more of her fair share of exclusion in life, that feels amazing. 75 people took a moment and wrote a birthday greeting. It was the best birthday party ever.
I love men.
I really do.
But one of the things that is toughest for me is when the man in my life thinks he is right when I am pretty darn sure that he is not.
It has been a challenge to look at arguments differently. If it is critical that he know that he is not as right as he thinks he is, I am building the courage and the vocabulary to gently express myself. This morning I mentioned that I met a new friend, a medical doctor, and that I wanted to nurture the relationship.
His reaction was, “You know, you have to watch that kind of thing.” My immediate reaction was to defend myself by saying, “Why are you….(always so negative).” Parentheses because I stopped myself (boy did it take me forever to stop myself midstream!) I changed my language and said, “That sounded negative to me, what do you mean?”
He then explained to me that a friendship with a medical person could be hampered by asking for free medical advice and then told a personal story that supported his feelings. I then explained that I was aware of that and further explained why I enjoyed my conversations with this gifted young man interested in healing the whole being.
It was important for me to express myself this time and I did. The exchange was positive and I felt happy that he saw my perspective and accepted it. My heart warms to him when he sees my side of things.
There are other times, and ladies, I suggest you find as many of these as you possibly can, where I say “You are right about that.” even if he is not quite as right I think he thinks he is. When he expresses an opinion about something I am not emotionally invested in, I eagerly agree knowing his heart expands when I do so.
For example, if he is talking about the high salaries of major league athletes, I really don’t care and could say nothing, but I now know that saying…”You’re right about that.” scores me mega points in his eyes, whether he consciously realizes it or not!
Then, if I need to express something because he is wrong about something important, I have created a comfort zone with him and he is more open to me.
I like being happy. I like it a lot!
Maybe being right is overrated!
Are you out of tune with your man? Did he used to be in to you but now you are not so sure? Were you sure he was your soul mate and now you are thinking, “What was I thinking?”
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