Says Ashley Hebert, the current Bachelorette at the time of this writing. After

from Buzzsugar.com

a contrived “breakup” with Bentley, he only came on the show to cause problems, she was shaken to the core by how she fell for someone not interested in her.

I wonder if she went through the inner gauntlet of self doubt the rest of you do wondering what she did wrong. Did she ask herself what she did or said that turned him off?

Did she rake herself over the coals for being too affectionate, too open, too vulnerable? I know the Bachelor is a made up show…but her feelings are easily felt by the audience and isn’t that the point?

What I do know for sure is this. If you are forming your goals for love when you are “terrified of making a mistake that you will regret for the rest of your life,” you are not likely to find the right man.  Fear is never the best ground to plant seeds of new relationship.

I also know that my feelings will be hurt by life. I know that as much as I adore my husband, he will do and say things that hurt my feelings…simply because it reminds me of a painful past experience.  Like a flashback, even an innocent gesture can flip the switch in my body and panic, doubt and fear still wash over me.

What is different between me and Ashley is that I have learned that when the fear and panic comes, I see the link to past hurts, I take the steps to heal those ancient stories and I can survive fear when it appears.

How about you, can you relate to our Bachelorette? Have you ever wanted to give up? Is your vision board yellowing? Is it heart breaking to watch another friend have a baby or get married?

I have a feeling no one knows how brave you are being each time you sign another wedding gift card. Seeing your single peer group shrink can be as frightening as Ashley’s experience.  During times when you are really down, when you are in an energetic slump, doing your LOA practice can feel like climbing the side of a sky scraper.

Secretly, don’t you want to say F**K the Law of Attraction some days?  You can ‘fess up, I won’t tell.

At the very time you need to pick a practice that will distract and/or entertain you enough to snap out of it, cynicism rushes in and your self talk gets mean and petty. What are you going to do?

Listen to this recording for a quick 3 Step Love Magnetizing Process that is ideal for reviving your hopes and getting you back on the road to your soul mate.

http://cat3733.audioacrobat.com/download/3StepMagnetizingProcess.mp3

I know the stink of disappointment. Ha…Now that is a great typo!! I wanted to write sting. LOL Disappointment DOES stink. I hate it. No, I can’t say that is true. What is true is that I hate how I feel when it happens. The slump in energy feels awful and the doubts that come along just to make things interesting, feel even worse.

So what to do? Find an Attraction Buddy. Trust one person to be your go to person. Tell her that you are out of sorts and need a partner to help you shake the gloomies. Tell her you need about 15 minutes.

This is not about you bitching about your lonely life or her giving you advice. This is about recognizing when you are losing your grip on the commitment to the Law of Attraction principles you decided on.

Your Attraction Buddy is aware of your desire for a mate and is willing to be there for you when you need her to. Tell her up front what it is all about. Then, when you are out of sorts, you call and tell her. She then has the simple job of asking you why. You think about it and answer what comes up.

She asks you, “Why does that trouble you?” You answer with whatever comes up. She simply repeats this question until you get some sort of aha.

These ahas are not understood with the intellect. You will have a thought that is so novel, it will be a tangible aha. Try it.

Meanwhile, don’t decide your future being afraid, listen in on the recording for another easy process to shift into Love!  And if you know Ashley, tweet this to her, will you?

Has a breakup left you feeling lost and alone?  Check out http://BreakupCandy.com for support.

“Is there a break up in your past that was hard to get over?”

“No, I’m fine. I make it a point to never have regrets and I just put them behind me.” said the beautiful still-single-at-40 attorney sharply.  I could tell she was a little annoyed.

“I see.” I said. “How many breakups are behind you?”

“Six, but what does that have to do with my Love Magnet.”

“Let me show you,” I said to her gently. (Want to peek over my shoulder and listen in?)

Here is how to check your own Love Magnet:

1. How many significant breakups have you had in the past.

2. Pick one of them for your love magnetizing check.

3. Now think of one particular day when the breakup was happening. How intense was it at the time on a scale of 1-10.

4. How long ago was it? Are there any hurt feelings left on that day? Is there an echo of pain? How strong is it on a scale of 1-10?

5.  Do you feel a stab of rejection and disappointment thinking about a former lover? It is a sure sign that your heart is still engaged with him on an energetic level.

That explains why you keep attracting men who are partly interesting but mostly really disappointing. That ache in your heart from past disappointment is attracting people who continue to disappoint you.

The ache in your heart from that ex all those ex’s ago is broadcasting a strong signal and the men you are interested in are picking up on that signal.

Until you clear the airwaves, so to speak, and cut off your connection to him, the power of your love magnet is muffled.  Your ex may be years in your past, but his energy is still as alive in your memories as the day of the breakup.

If this sounds like you, don’t panic. Take a breath and realize that awareness is the first part of change.  Decide today to look at your self sabotage patterns differently.  Once you know your patterns, you can make new ones.  It is your decision to change your mindset that makes all the difference!

Wonder if you are ready for love?  http://TakeTheSoulMateQuiz.com and find out right now!

Maybe.

Ask yourself this question next:

Could I be pushing love away?

Let’s look at this.

Maybe you are trying to protect yourself from hurt. It could be that you are still heart broken about a difficult breakup.

Perhaps you believe that you are just unlucky when it comes to Love.

Are you fearful of being disappointed….again?

Or maybe deep down you just don’t feel having a partner is worth all of the trouble.

I am ready to change this with you.

Juliet wrote to me last week to tell me how shocked she was to find that a relationship from 30 years ago still grieved her. During one of the exercises, she felt a sadness she had long forgotten bubble up to the surface.

“I thought I had moved on,” she wrote, “The relief I felt when we worked on our past loves was amazing. I see now how that big disappointment has over shadowed my relationships.”

Juliet sabotaged her love life over and over again. Ten significant breakups had left her self concept in tatters. Now she is steadily building up her confidence and as she describes it,

“I am attracting attention from some terrific men and I feel more hopeful than I have in years! I KNOW my soul mate is out there and we will find each other.”

Does Juliet’s story inspire you?

You Can get what you want. Law of Attraction will serve you faithfully when you are ready. To manifest a change for yourself….spend some time thinking about just how serious you are about attracting True Love.

Are you ready for New Love?  http://TakeTheSoulMateQuiz.com and find out today!

P.S. A part of you is still longing for love. Listen to her whisper and join this very special call…

“You could always fill out those annoying coupons and subscribe her to fifteen magazines,” Dan chirped in his forever positive voice.

“That’s not helpful,” Molly sniped at him. He reached over to pull her into a hug. She was stiff in his arms. “I just can’t understand it.” she sighed “How can she not have anything good to say….even now….especially now.”

“Come here, darlin’, let it go…let it go.” In his arms, she let herself soften and receive his love….

It had been a phenomenal day. Her composition had been selected and she was booked at Carnegie Hall! The dream of a life time, well at least her life time, she had seen herself on stage at Carnegie Hall, the crowd on its feet applauding like fiends, ever since she was a little girl. And now, after all the years, tears and trauma it was happening.

Molly bought flowers from the street vendor, got an expensive red from the Wine Cellar (her favorite shop) and a couple of beautiful New York strips from the Italian butcher shop. It was time for a celebration, and she couldn’t wait to get home to tell Dan.

He didn’t disappoint. “Baby, I am so proud of you!” He picked Molly up and spun her around. “I know how hard you have worked for this.” Burying her head in his shoulder she whispered, “I love you so much…so much.”

“Let’s crack open the cabernet and get this party going,” Dan said. “Did you let your mom know?” “I sent her an email.” Molly said. “Haven’t heard back from her yet, but look what the mom of one of my students sent me.” She ran to the computer and pulled up an email. “Read this!” she said excitedly:

“You HAVE to teach at the University level, a composition class! – God has given you an amazing gift, and the beauty of your music is getting deeper and deeper. What a story teller you are with the piano. You can take any of your pieces and in any scenario whatsoever and take your listener through the different emotions- -anywhere from rage to love, from tears to forgiveness. No holds barred. You really need to be on national television.”

Dan beamed with pride. “That’s terrific, honey!” And lifted his wine glass to toast her!

“Uh-oh” she said, “There is an email from my mom.”

“Don’t open it right now, Baby, just wait for awhile.”

“No,” Molly took a deep breath and clicked the email link, “I want to see what she has to say about my news.”

“Darling, I still feel the phrasing would be better in the twentieth bar if you changed the chording the way I suggested. I don’t know if I will be able to be at Carnegie, but I will see what I can do. Nice job!”

Shoulders slumping, it was as if she imploded, something on the inside of her collapsing and pulling all the celebration into an ancient black hole in her heart. Again. No matter how hard she worked, her mom always found the one weak spot and shined a bright light on it.

“How can she not congratulate me? I’ll never be good enough for her.”

“We could hire a thug and duct tape her to a street sign.” Dan tried to nudge her sense of humor.

“That’s not funny, Dan, I am trying to feel sorry for myself here!” And laughed in spite of herself. He was so cute!

“You know what really pisses me off?” Molly asked. “The fact that I am forty bleepin’ four years old and I still wilt like a violet in the desert when she criticizes me.”

“Why are you so hurt, darlin?” Dan said gently.

“Because she should care how I feel.” She said quietly.

“Why?”

“How else can I know she loves me?”

“I love you.” He whispered “And I am so proud of you. Your students love you and now there are hundreds of people who are going to love you when you perform at Carnegie.”

“I know,” Molly sighed. “You are right. Besides, I am proud of me! I had the best day of my life and I will not let any lame email steal that from me!”

“That’s the spirit!” Dan cheered. “Now let’s grill those steaks and get this party started.”

Snuggling in to her favorite spot in the nook of his shoulder she kissed his neck. “I don’t know what I would do without you, baby.”

Overcoming perfectionism is a bitch. Age old patterns of meticulously planning and executing projects to make sure every T is crossed and i is dotted drive like a cruel slave master. If you have a family member who callously brushes over your fabulous achievements, I feel your pain and I have a word of advice.

Use the pain. That is right. Use the pain. Take a breath and acknowledge the pain in you for a change and stop focusing on the person who “caused” the pain. A fantastic tool to use in moments like this is to journal conversationally using both hands.

What you say? Yes – both hands. Starting with your dominant hand, write this questions: “Why does this hurt so much?” then switch to your non-dominant hand and write whatever comes to your mind. You will be surprised how impactful this exercise can be.

When you write with your non-dominant hand, you actually “stretch” out your experience with the pain and you get to prove to yourself that you can handle it and move beyond it. Molly’s mom didn’t mean to hurt her daughter. Who knows why she was unable to celebrate with Molly?

Molly can make choices to grow through her need for her mom’s approval and change the dynamics of the relationship herself. While her mom may never say just the right thing, she can see that as a itty bitty blip on the radar of life, if she chooses! We’re proud of you, Molly and……break a leg!

Your Love Sabotage style impacts your family relationships too!  Be sure to take this free assessment so you can turn your all your relationships around! http://EndLoveSabotage.com

Disappointment sucks. The higher your hopes, the further the fall when disappointment hits. Can you avoid it? How do you take away the sting?

Let me tell you a story. Forty or fifty years ago, a little girl was getting ready for Christmas. She had spotted a pair of red patent leather shoes and in her heart of hearts that is all she wanted. She pictured herself wearing them as her friends oohed and ahed with admiration and jealousy.

Every time she walked by the store window in her little town, she stopped to admire those beautiful shoes.

When the big day finally arrived, she ran to the Christmas tree and sure enough, there was a shoe box shaped present with HER name on it!! Eagerly she waited for her mom to distribute the gifts. With bated breath she held the small box with the santa paper and red bow.

At last it was her turn, she tore through the paper and sure enough, is WAS a shoe box. Heart racing, she tossed away the lid and her heart sank in disbelief. In the box, wrapped in tissue was a jump rope. Too young to hide her disappointment, she burst into tears and ran out of the room.

Her mom, unaware of her secret wish, reacted as many of us do. She frowned and told her to be grateful, that other children had to do without at Christmas and that she should be ashamed of herself.

The roots of disappointment are deep in all of us. There is no escape. So it is a curse, right?

Nope, dead wrong. Disappointment can be an OPPORTUNITY. Tough things happen to each and everyone of us. Because our imaginations are so strong and we anticipate what we THINK will delight us, we set ourselves up for disappointment all the time. Why?

Because with each adult disappointment we can go back and relieve the remnants of childhood misperceptions. Countless times through our growing up years we are faced with making decisions on our child like perceptions.

One of these decisions is often….disappointment sucks and if I try hard enough, I will never be disappointed again. The problem with that decision is that it makes no sense at all.

Imagine if Walt Disney let disappointment stop him….would he have, could he have persevered through 299 bank loan denials before the 300th bank said yes?

Imagine if Thomas Edison let disappointment stop him before he finally succeeded in developing the light bulb?

Disappointment is a treasure. The worse it hurts, the more power there is under it to blast you to a new level of relationship success. Hiding from disappointment does not make it go away., it only paves the way for deeper pain the next time.

Learn to use the power in disappointment to unearth past hurts that are ready to be released. That was then and this is now. Make a new choice for yourself about the dramas of the past and you will find the patience and wisdom you need to talk to your man about what is bothering you.

Curious about you Love Sabotage Style?  Take the Sabotage Assessment right here: http://EndLoveSabotage.com

“I am going to be in town for a couple of days and I would love to see you.” the familiar voice said hopefully.

Instantly I am flooded with emotions both good and bad. We had been broken up for a few months and I had been trying to evict him from my mind ever since.

Unbidden, thoughts about him and how hot the sex was, how beautiful I felt when I was with him, how romantic it was to sip wine at sunset, had been running through my mind for weeks. My brief fling with him had been the most fun I’d had in years!

Now here he was, breezing back into my life and inviting me to reconnect. I knew my friends would be shocked that I was even considering it, so I didn’t telling anyone he called. There were so many parts of our time together that were very good. Why did we break up anyway?

Does this ring a bell? This exact scenario happened for me several years ago and I chose to say no. It was an excruciating choice because the chemistry was ridiculous. (I would love to know why the wrong men can have such exciting chemistry…just not fair!) This is how it played out.

Gorgeous, exciting ex-flame is visiting my tiny apartment. Candles were lit, jazz was playing and he was doing his best to coax me into bed. “It is important to live in the moment,” he said to me, “Do what feels good now.” My new interest in The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle not withstanding, somehow I knew he was pushing his agenda over my lackluster objections.

I was so tempted. He had asked me for a back massage which, of course, I agreed. I loved touching him and what harm could it do? Ha! As I rubbed the oil on his back, he kept gently encouraging me to respond to my natural arousal and seal the deal. What a pickle!

Somehow, in the middle of this highly charged situation, I said to myself first and then to him, “Wait a minute. Just hold up here. I want to think about what is right for me.”

I went across the room, sat in a chair, closed my eyes and pleaded with my Inner Wisdom, “Please help me know what to do. I want this man but the red flags are waving madly! What should I do?”

I was hoping I would get a clear yes (dreamer!) or a clear no but what I got was the most amazing and calming answer.

“Whichever choice you make will be fine. You are going to be fine, no matter what.”

I laughed outloud and told him what I heard. He laughed too. I am sure he was hoping my Inner Guidance said yes, but he was absolutely wonderful when I told him I decided no. He had made it clear to me that he was not interested in a relationship with me and as much as I wished I could change his mind, I had to face the truth. Sex would be fun with him but I knew myself too well. I liked him more than that and a bootie call would send me into weeks of obsession! Bottom line, I want to be loved more than anything. Love has to be primary.

What about you? Are you facing a similar situation? A dear friend of mine always used to quip  “An ex is an ex for a reason” whenever I looked back at my ex-boyfriend. I would say the same to you. But, if you are not sure, here are three questions to ask yourself:

1. Do you feel a heart connection to this man? Do you really? Get quiet and allow the memories of your break up come back to you. On a scale of 1 to 10, how hurt and disappointed were you? If it is 6 or above. Stop for a moment and think about adding another disappointment to the mix. Does that work for you?

2. Are you obsessing about him? If you are, that is a symptom of an out of control mind. If you broke up, there was a reason for that. Jump into a new hobby or get outside and walk a couple of miles a day while listening to a book on tape. Take action to give your thirsty mind something to think about. An obsessive woman is not very attractive, not even to her friends.

3. What do your friends think? Trust your friends. Just like the Sex In The City girls, trust someone to talk to about this. Often your friends can see your situation more clearly. Yes, Carrie and Big got together, but that was a fairy tale. More times than not an ex is an ex for a reason and moving on is your best bet.

If you can’t get him out of your mind, don’t worry! There are lots of cool ways to occupy your mind while the next candidate comes across your path. Not to sound like my grandma but, there really are a lot of fish in the sea and there is someone out there for you.

If you are spending hours a day mooning over an ex, you sure can’t put too much energy into thinking the thoughts that will attract that new man to you.  Is that ok with you?

“Should I go away and leave you alone for awhile?”

Sure doesn’t feel like an invitation for a romantic interlude.

Asking my husband this little question is my way of telling my man that I see he is trying to focus his attention on something else and that he is not going to be available to me in that minute. Isn’t that evolved of me?

He always laughs and allows me to disengage myself gracefully. Even though there are times I want his love and attention and I want it now, I am slowly learning to rein myself in.

If he grunts at me, or worse, gives me no response at all, thoughts of self doubt, rejection and disappointment rush into my mind. I hate feeling like that and so I used to press even closer, deeper and insist, many times passive aggressively, on his undivided attention.

Of course, the more I turned it up, the faster he closed down and shut me out. Before I knew it, I felt completely cut off.

It has been a real shocker to accept that it is me who cut myself out!

I know when he is engaged in his paper, certain sports on TV or his computer projects that he isn’t going to give me the attention I want, but I march right over myself and insist anyway. Not a good idea.

Being honest with myself has helped me see that I am not all that attractive when I am acting like a wounded 13 year old in my lame attempt to manipulate him into paying attention to me.

I also am better able to look at what will really make me feel better. I do need some options so that I can nurture myself wherever I can. When I have my personal needs in hand and am doing things to make myself feel better when I need to, he is much more likely to engage with me more often and with more focus. Yay.

Here are a couple of the ways that I am learning that are feeding my soul and plugging me into me. Becoming self sufficient in the emotional needs department does not mean your man is totally off the hook. No, it means that when you are confident that your happiness is in your own hands, he will welcome opportunities to be with you and engage with you. I don’t blame him for not wanting to bond with a neurotic 13 year old, would you?

1. Write. I know you have heard about journaling for years and if you are like me, you have procrastinated a few years away not getting around to it. This time though, I have a specific assignment. Take one week and write a letter every day to seven of the people who have made an impact on your life. These are letters never meant to be sent, just gives you an opportunity to thank them.

2. Move. The diet and exercise community has created an ocean of guilt around exercise. The truth is, a part of your loves the feeling of the breeze on your face. A part of you loves fresh air. A part of you loves looking at the scenery. A part of you loves to walk instead of ride. Give that part the gift of your attention. Put a book on audio on your IPOD and listen while you walk. Tribes by Seth Godin is the best book you can be listening to right now.

3. Play. Get a checker board or deck of cards and start to play games with your friends. Instead of sitting there talking about what is not working or the latest gossip, play a game. Engage your mind and your companion in a brand new way.

4. Rest. There is a fabulous tool for physical rest that everyone should know about. You can get a “weighted blanket’ to lay under and create the deepest and most delicious body rest you can imagine. There is science around this that I can go into later, but take my word for it. If you are hyper like me, resting under a heavy blanket is nirvana! Go to http://www.weightedblanket.net and they will set you up.

5. Laugh. Rent your favorite comedies and watch them often. I love The Birdcage with Nathan Lane and Robin Williams and Liar Liar with Jim Carrey. Don’t wait for your man to want to watch them with you. Laugh hard and laugh long. You really can have fun by yourself.

My husband was leaving for golf this morning and I was doing my cute stuff, you know, wrapping my arms around him while he was trying to shave and pressing myself against him walking in tandem as he tried to leave.

I said, “I bet you will really miss someone hanging all over you while you are playing golf today!” He laughed and hugged me. He smiles at me with genuine fondness as he goes off to spend the day with his buds.

I know I matter to husband. I know he cares deeply about me. And I also know that he is relieved that I am able to provide so much of my emotional sustenance for myself. I am learning to enjoy my own company and you will never guess what has happened! I am becoming irresistible to him.

Not even now.

Yes, I have found a man who is more that I ever hoped for and yes, I am ridiculously happy these days but truth be told, I live very carefully most of the time. The age old thought habit driving the need to be perfect is a tough one to overcome.

I am challenged this day to examine that position. Do I really believe that no one is trustworthy? Where did that belief come from. Hmmmm. Yes, there have been a few disappointments along the way. And yes, a few people I thought were solid as the rock of Gibraltar had feet of clay but in their humanity, weren’t their errors in judgment right in line with who they were at the moment?

I have had my share of disappointments with people and with life in general but looking back, I have to admit that even the worse of scenarios all worked themselves out in time.

I wonder what trust looks like. I wonder if I can learn to perceive it differently. If I allow that my past experiences were simply the playing out of various circumstances as they happened and that life did not have an agenda to harm me, perhaps I can reconsider my former beliefs.

What if I could trust that life itself has a natural tendency to balance out over time. That even the toughest of times end up fading away and dissipating in the fogginess of memory and maturity.

What if trust is simply allowing life to be, a process of incredible diversity and synchronicity?

What if we are to trust the unfolding of time and not the people populating that time?

If we are all in the same boat….trying to make the best of the circumstances surrounding us, maybe trusting the natural progression of events is the only kind of trust that matters. It is nice to think that a human being, especially a dearly loved one, will not error and hurt us but alas, we all hurt someone we love eventually, no matter how hard we try to be perfect partners.

If I learn to trust the natural unfolding of events, I see that surprising things always appear when things look the darkest. Trusting the process of life rather than the people in life feels safer to me. After all, I am still here to write about it. I haven’t met the insurmountable problem or person yet.

Maybe life is trustworthy in an of itself.

Hmmm…..

xoxoxo

Can you relate?  Would you like to use EFT to attract YOUR soul mate?  Now is the perfect chance to experience the magic…for less than a dinner and a movie!  For only $47 you can listen in and tap along with me monthly in group coaching calls.  Members also have access to my text classroom where I hang out weekly answering questions and leading text tapping.  Want to check it out?  SoulMateSuccessCircle