Have you had girlfriends who needed you more than you needed them?

Do you have friends that talk and talk and talk and never ask how you are doing?

Has a woman betrayed your trust?

I am in the middle of a girl friend break up right now.

It is not the first time either. And I am such a nice girl, all sugary Snow White sweet and all.  Over my life time, my Scarlett girl friends have come and gone.  My inner circle has revolving doors and I have had a series of pretty serious heart breaks along the way. I do meet my share of damsels in distress who need a lot of time and attention.  When I stop listening to their drama, they take off.

Sometimes it is natural, a friend might move away. That is what happened with Toni.  Beautiful, kind and gentle Toni.  She was a Snow White like me and we had a natural affinity for one another. During our early 30s we even went to prisons and visited with incarcerated women as part of a religious outreach.  We had experienced many of the same kinds of things growing up and we loved to spend time together.  She was a really close friend.

One day she answered her door with tears in her eyes. Her husband, a corporate ladder climber, had accepted a new position.  Neither of us said anything.  Neither of us could say anything.  My throat literally squeezes shut during moments like this.

When the day came that she left, she didn’t even say good by. That broke my heart.  Years later I found out that she just couldn’t do it.  We sappy Snow Whites get so overly emotional about things we just can’t spit out what needs to be said. If  we do, fumbling and bumbling and awkward exchanges might happen, in fact probably will happen.  Then we hurt other peoples feelings and that is like finger nails down the chalk board for Snow White….intolerable.

That is why it is so uncomfortable to say what I am mistakenly feel is “mean” no matter how much I need to speak up and say stop. Things like stop treating me like this.  Stop expecting something of me and then not telling me what it is.  Stop coming to me only when you need me.  Stop ignoring me when you are upset.  Stop pulling away from me.  Stop avoiding me when I need you.

Where does this discomfort come from?

Another woman in my life who has pulled the plug on friendship. I have had this happen before and I know there are a string of platitudes about season, reason and forever.

That is not what this is about. I understand that sort of thing. But, now this current woman is pulling away abruptly, at a time when I could have really used her support and I am hurt. Once again, hurt feelings have interrupted a friendship.

Only this time, I am stretching my Snow White wings and doing something different.  I decided to say something to her instead of just getting dumped.  So here goes:

Things I Want To Say To My Ex Friend:  Surviving a BFF Breakup

1.  It hurts to lose you. My feelings are hurt.  You were so sudden about it and I don’t even know what I did.  Every time I think about you, my heart hurts.

2.  I know it will be hard for me to trust a new friend again for awhile. I kind of hate that but that is just how I am.  I don’t regret knowing you or having you in my inner circle for awhile.  It hurts to let you go but it is worth having known you even though it was for a short time.

3.  I see now that when you dumped me it reminds me of another time in my past when a friend moved away and never said goodbye to me. I didn’t realize I was still hurt about that.  I’m not mad or upset.  I know life is life and that my inner circle is a fluid place.  There are still parts of a break up that really suck and hurt feelings are a normal part of life.

4.  I wish I would have known when I was younger about hurt feelings. I wish I would have known that they are normal and that they come and go with all relationships.  I wish I knew that focusing on the physical part of the hurt feelings is a much much easier way to feel better.  I wish I would have known that hurt feelings are natural and normal and can be over in the twinkling of an eye if you know what to do.

5.  I am 100% ok with you floating away into the orbits of other fantastic people. My inner circle is small.  I have some long time soul mates and always room for a treasured few that come along life’s path.  I can let you go with an open heart.  I only wish breakups could be handled a bit more delicately.  I wish you abundant good fortune and the personal connections that take you everywhere you want to go.

Do you have a girlfriend break up story to add to the mix?

xoxo

Have you been betrayed by a woman? Just like boyfriend breakups, being dumped by a friend triggers your brain to release a paralyzing combination of neuro-chemicals that literally hijack your mind and send you into Dismal Land.

Would you like to hear what a real Neuroscientist has to say about finding lasting love once and for all?  Dr. Berit Brogaard is my special guest on this special Ask Catherine recording.

Dr. Brogaard, Associate Professor of Psychology and Philosophy, University of Missouri-St.Louis, had her share of life betrayals before she became passionate about the chemistry in it all. What causes people to behave so badly toward one another when a relationship was ending?  Why do normally rationale, intelligent and sensitive human beings become so monstrous when the chips were down?

Discovering the chemistry of break-ups and the lengths women go to in order to avoid that feeling has changed her view of relationship challenges completely.

Dr. Brogaard is doing the most exciting research out there when it comes to why lonely people cannot find love. You can learn to get over heartbreak by using your natural brain chemistry.  Register for your free recording right here:

Today, my friend and colleague, Thea Newcomb released this fantastic video celebrating her 10 years of comforting the broken hearted with humor and love.  Congratulations, Thea!!  I hope you all enjoy the video and feel free to share this link!  Catherine

Over the last ten years we’ve had thousands of break-up lines sent into soyouvebeendumped.com. Some of them really funny, some of them painfully cruel, and still others are complete cliches. In any event, over the last six months, I’ve been polishing off a book of real lines and stories that were emailed direct or posted on this site.

It is my hope the book is ready for our 10th birthday on Independence Day this year – (July 4th for you non-Americans).

For now though, I thought I’d give you a wee teaser.  I’ve not used all my best lines – gotta keep some for the book…

Many people who stumble across our site do so because they’ve searched for “Break Up Lines” so this one is especially for you.

I’d like to thank my buddy Geoff Martyn who was the one person who created this site with me ten years ago and who, with his band a few years ago, sang this song “Bring Me Down”. Cheers G.

Hope you enjoy!

Thanks for watching and if you like it – please pass along this page, would you? Many thanks. Happy Friday folks.

“It’s been a year since he left me and I still can’t move on.”

The voice on the other end of the phone dripped with emotion. Voice shaking, she went on to tell her story. Married for 15 years to the love of

her life, she came home one day and he was gone.

“I haven’t loved you in years.” The note on the kitchen table said. “You may not be able to see it now, but someday you will thank me for this”

WHAT?

As I listened to the quiet sobbing on the other end of the phone, tears came to my own eyes. I know what it feels like to be abandoned. How about you? Are you still wrapped up tight in the pain of your breakup? Are you embarrassed because you didn’t see it coming? Are you terrified to move forward and not sure what to do?

It is 100% normal to feel these things. Countless people STAY in bad relationships because they are terrified by another breakup. You may think you are hopelessly lost but at least you are out of the relationship and that is a good thing. Even if you can’t see that right now.

You can learn how to let go of your ex. Here are three steps you can take today to start finding your way out of the dark.

1. Stop Picking On Yourself. How many times have your criticized yourself in the days since your breakup? Thoughts like “How could I have been such an idiot?” “What is wrong with me?” “I’ll never trust a man again.” “I am doomed to attracting emotionally vacant women.”

You have to stop doing this. As Louise Hay says, “Stop terrifying yourself.” I know you went through the worst breakup ever, but believe it or not, the breakup IS NOT HURTING YOU! It is your THOUGHTS about the break up that are killing you. The good news is you are the only one who can change your thoughts. Pretty good news when you feel so out of control right now.

2. Get Your Emotional Turmoil Out Of You. Write letters to your ex and burn them or take a black crayon and scribble on as many pieces of paper as you need to. I know this sounds lame and seems like putting a bandaid on an amputation.

I know everything in you resists this but, and this is a big but, can’t you feel your thoughts running around in a never ending circle? A part of you is hanging on to the pain with all its might. Strange but true.

A part of you does not want to recover? Why? Could be that being in pain is the only way you can create a cushion of safety around yourself so you won’t try again and invest in a new Love?  Security is a strong motivator.

If you write your heart out and tell the no good S.O.B what you think about what he did and then BURN it, you will feel empowered. You will feel more secure and calmer.

3. Get Help. Send out an SOS to your closest friends. Get some advice on where you can get some support. One of your friends has an experience just like yours. Ask how they moved on. My first step was Al-Anon. That wonderful group of people helped me face the inevitable.

Besides that, it was Emotional Freedom Technique that turned my life around. EFT allowed me to forgive myself and everyone else who added to the drama. EFT also helped me accept my clairvoyance and opened me to seeing the world with completely different eyes. Each person has to find their own answer in this journey toward healing but when you share your resources, you find the direction you need.

Remember that the best revenge is a happy life. Put that ex behind you once and for all and find a way to be happy again. It is SO worth the effort. You are a beautiful person who trusted and loved and grew. You can do that again if you choose to, pick a strategy and find a way to move forward. I believe in you.

Are you ready for New Love? http://EndLoveSabotage and start today!

Posted via email from catherine’s posterous

I know a bit of magic.

Once upon a time, many moons ago, a man broke my heart.  He disappeared without a word after a brief and passionate affair.  I had been numbingly attracted to him and the sex was amazing.  In fact, it was after we had the best sex ever, he started to pull away.

I was hurt and obsessing.  I felt trapped by my feelings. As badly as he treated me at the end, I still really cared for him.  I opened my heart to him, something that was huge as I hadn’t trusted anyone like that for a very long time.  And he disappeared.  I was devastated.

After weeks of checking my cell phone countless times a day and texting him with no reply, I knew I had to do something to detach myself. I tried everything I could think of but he was lodged firmly in my mind and wouldn’t go.

Then, after a few months, the phone rings.  He wanted to see me.  Of course, against everything in me, I agreed.  My heart pounded as I anticipated the door bell ringing.  When he got there, the chemistry was as strong as ever.  Part of me was screaming: NO…..NO.  But he was irresistible.

It was, of course, a booty call. The rat.  I wanted to.  I knew it would feel amazing.  But I did the bravest thing I had done to that point.  I told him no.  He was respectful, gave me a hug and left.  Boy did I ache inside.  So unfair…how can someone so bad for you be so darn attractive.

I went in to a tail spin again and my self esteem crashed and burned. It was during this time I found the answer.  I learned about a technique that completely changed my life.  I was able to FINALLY let him go.  Really let him go.  It is my secret weapon and I teach it to everyone who comes my way looking for a way to move on.

The secret elixir is EFT. EFT saved me.  I was able to release my feelings easily and permanently with a simple pattern of tapping, yes tapping.  I learned how to tap on acupuncture points around my upper body.  The results were astounding.

Not only did EFT help me let go of this man, my self confidence went through the roof.  I now use EFT all the time to change my mood and improve my disposition.  I love it.  It is easy to learn and anyone can do it!!

Are You Ready for New Love?  Take the Soul Mate Quiz and find out.  Just click here:  http://AttractYourSoulMateNow.com

Hey Guys,

Have an ex stalking you?

Why is it that a break up is only a break up for you?  Why won’t she just get it and stop texting you, calling you and showing up at your haunts?

There is an important step you can take that will cut off the relationship in a tangible way. Without this step, you just can’t finish the job and move on.  How do I know?

I was one of those very women.  After my marriage stumbled and crumbled, I met a fabulous man who seduced me with amazing skill.  I adored the attention.  He made me feel beautiful and sexy again.  The chemistry was red hot….the sidewalk could have melted under my feet.

We had 6 weeks of passionate and thrilling love making both in person and on the phone.  How much easier it would have been had he simply told me from the get go that he was looking for a sexual partner. Without that important piece of information, I read all kinds of meaning into his attention.  I began planning a future with him.  Big mistake.

He withdrew faster than a shooting star and disappeared.  Ouch.  Neither of us knew the power of the bonding hormones that trigger clinginess in women.  Guys, if you don’t want a woman clinging to you….wait before you invite her to bed.  We ladies become highly future focused after sex.  It is hard wired in us.

I watched my phone for text messages. I sent cute messages to try to attract the magic we had.  I was a pest and a pill. Ouch.  Now that I look back, seven years now, there is nothing left there.  I have moved on, even though it took monumental effort to disengage myself energetically and get him out of my mind.

Could he have helped me?  Yes, I think he could have.  Had he taken steps to cut the emotional and energetic ties between us.  I believe I would have lost interest sooner.

The moral of the story?  If you have an ex-girlfriend who is stalking you, you can do something about it.  Here are three practical steps:

1.  Write her a letter never to be sent. Tell her clearly and firmly that you are breaking the energetic ties between you.  As you write, allow yourself to imagine cutting the ties with her.  Send her good will and appreciation for the part of herself she trusted with you.  Once the letter is written, burn it.

2.  Visualize yourself and your ex separate and happy. At night before sleep, visualize your ex in a city a thousand miles away from you.  See her with another man.  See her happy and fulfilled.  If this is hard for you, it is even more necessary.  Part of you may enjoy her attention and you need to deal with this.

3.  Spend time alone for awhile before starting a new relationship. What did you learn from this ex?  Did she seem to change over time?  Did you?  As you evaluate what happened, you may want to create a new game plan for moving on and into a new relationship.  Learn about women in general.  We don’t mean to be obtuse.  It may be hard to figure us out, but I promise you, it is worth it!

Posted via email from catherine’s posterous

“I am going to be in town for a couple of days and I would love to see you.” the familiar voice said hopefully.

Instantly I am flooded with emotions both good and bad. We had been broken up for a few months and I had been trying to evict him from my mind ever since.

Unbidden, thoughts about him and how hot the sex was, how beautiful I felt when I was with him, how romantic it was to sip wine at sunset, had been running through my mind for weeks. My brief fling with him had been the most fun I’d had in years!

Now here he was, breezing back into my life and inviting me to reconnect. I knew my friends would be shocked that I was even considering it, so I didn’t telling anyone he called. There were so many parts of our time together that were very good. Why did we break up anyway?

Does this ring a bell? This exact scenario happened for me several years ago and I chose to say no. It was an excruciating choice because the chemistry was ridiculous. (I would love to know why the wrong men can have such exciting chemistry…just not fair!) This is how it played out.

Gorgeous, exciting ex-flame is visiting my tiny apartment. Candles were lit, jazz was playing and he was doing his best to coax me into bed. “It is important to live in the moment,” he said to me, “Do what feels good now.” My new interest in The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle not withstanding, somehow I knew he was pushing his agenda over my lackluster objections.

I was so tempted. He had asked me for a back massage which, of course, I agreed. I loved touching him and what harm could it do? Ha! As I rubbed the oil on his back, he kept gently encouraging me to respond to my natural arousal and seal the deal. What a pickle!

Somehow, in the middle of this highly charged situation, I said to myself first and then to him, “Wait a minute. Just hold up here. I want to think about what is right for me.”

I went across the room, sat in a chair, closed my eyes and pleaded with my Inner Wisdom, “Please help me know what to do. I want this man but the red flags are waving madly! What should I do?”

I was hoping I would get a clear yes (dreamer!) or a clear no but what I got was the most amazing and calming answer.

“Whichever choice you make will be fine. You are going to be fine, no matter what.”

I laughed outloud and told him what I heard. He laughed too. I am sure he was hoping my Inner Guidance said yes, but he was absolutely wonderful when I told him I decided no. He had made it clear to me that he was not interested in a relationship with me and as much as I wished I could change his mind, I had to face the truth. Sex would be fun with him but I knew myself too well. I liked him more than that and a bootie call would send me into weeks of obsession! Bottom line, I want to be loved more than anything. Love has to be primary.

What about you? Are you facing a similar situation? A dear friend of mine always used to quip  “An ex is an ex for a reason” whenever I looked back at my ex-boyfriend. I would say the same to you. But, if you are not sure, here are three questions to ask yourself:

1. Do you feel a heart connection to this man? Do you really? Get quiet and allow the memories of your break up come back to you. On a scale of 1 to 10, how hurt and disappointed were you? If it is 6 or above. Stop for a moment and think about adding another disappointment to the mix. Does that work for you?

2. Are you obsessing about him? If you are, that is a symptom of an out of control mind. If you broke up, there was a reason for that. Jump into a new hobby or get outside and walk a couple of miles a day while listening to a book on tape. Take action to give your thirsty mind something to think about. An obsessive woman is not very attractive, not even to her friends.

3. What do your friends think? Trust your friends. Just like the Sex In The City girls, trust someone to talk to about this. Often your friends can see your situation more clearly. Yes, Carrie and Big got together, but that was a fairy tale. More times than not an ex is an ex for a reason and moving on is your best bet.

If you can’t get him out of your mind, don’t worry! There are lots of cool ways to occupy your mind while the next candidate comes across your path. Not to sound like my grandma but, there really are a lot of fish in the sea and there is someone out there for you.

If you are spending hours a day mooning over an ex, you sure can’t put too much energy into thinking the thoughts that will attract that new man to you.  Is that ok with you?

“I can’t stop thinking about him.”

“I want to move on but he is in my mind night and day.”

“Maybe he is the one and I should wait until he changes his mind.”

“I hate him.”

“I love him.”

Who of us doesn’t relate to this line of thinking?

Why is it so excruciating to move on after a relationship ends? Often there is no immediately apparent rationale for the ending of a relationship but even if there was, the need to detach from a former love and to move on with your life is inescapable.

In my case, a whirlwind romance with a highly attractive man caused me to morph into a mindless I-must-have-him machine. I thought about him incessantly and while he showed great interest in me at first….special emphasis on ‘at first’, my constant emails and text messages began to take their toll.

I watched my phone, checked to make sure it was on, cherished the messages he left me, printed the late night Instant Messages, rearranged my life to suit his schedule….I know I don’t need to go on! The fiery chemistry that happened in the beginning started to fizzle out after 2 or 3 months. Then, he disappeared. Gone.

The first couple of weeks, I held out hope that he would miss me so desperately that he would call, beg forgiveness and sweep me off my feet again.

Two more weeks and I was ready to be done with him but I kept wondering what I had done wrong. Wasn’t it real? The chemistry was real, that’s for sure. Miserable, I limped through my days unable to keep my mind off of him.

By then I was sick and tired of being sick and tired and set out to change my mindset. The techniques I used have now become a tried and true system for saying goodbye to that ghost lover (my term for the man who left and the dream of what might have developed with him). follow these steps and you will get yourself back into the driver’s seat. Good Luck! I know you can do this!!

Key #1 Face The Facts

Ok, this is no fun, but facing the fact that you are hooked on this guy is the first and most essential step. Yes, you feel foolish. No, you don’t want to give up on him. But how are you feeling? Empowered? Strong? Probably not. Look in the mirror and tell yourself, “I do love him. He doesn’t want to be with me right now. This really hurts and I hate it! I want to learn to let him go. I want to think about what I want to think about and not about him. I’m worth it.” If you tell yourself these facts (you can use mine if you can’t think of your own) every day for a week, you will empower yourself for the next steps.

Key #2 Embrace Your Self

That was then and this is now. Face it, you aren’t the only woman to have experienced this heart ache. Be gentle with yourself. You are doing the best you can. As you look back to the beginnings of this relationship, let yourself remember how good it felt. If he wasn’t the one, those same good feelings are out there for you with a new guy. Embracing the you that fell for him rather than criticizing yourself for what you perceive as an error in judgment will build your sense of self esteem and equip you for the next step.

Key #3 The Him or Better Box

Now is when this gets fun. Each thought that you think about him has emotional energy attached to it. Some is positive, some is negative. The energy used to think these thoughts uses creative energy you could be investing in other parts of your life….your art, your career, your friendships, etc.

There is a way to reclaim and reassign this energy and your imagination is the gateway. We are going to create an imaginary “Him or Better Box”. It is best to name the box specifically, so use the name of your Ex instead of Him. Close your eyes and imagine a box about the size of a recipe file.

It may show up in color, if not, make it any color you please. Allow your imagination to decorate it with any ribbons, jewels or symbols that might appear. If yours is a plain white box…that is ok, too. There is no right or wrong. Your goal is to ‘capture’ the thoughts about him and to place them in the box.

The reason we call it a “Mr. Ex or Better Box” is so that if he does come back, you are banking all of this energy toward reconnecting with him then. (Use your ex’s name) After all, he is not in your life right now anyway so why waste time and energy thinking about him now. The ‘or Better’ just says to the Universe and to you that you are banking on the new love in your life and that you are stockpiling the emotional energy around the thoughts to that potential.

Key #4 Capturing Those Pesky Thoughts.

Learning to capture and control your thoughts serves a dual purpose. One, you have highly tangible evidence that that you can direct your own thinking. Two, you immediately reclaim the energy for your own life and are free to assign it to where you want it to go.

It may seem daunting to control your thoughts about him…believe me I have been there! That is why it is good to start slow and practice. The moment you are aware that you are thinking about him, stop, acknowledge the thought for a moment, then in your minds eye, place a bubble around it and put it into your box.

At first, you may only get three thoughts a day into the box but hang in there. This stuff really works. Remember…it is a Mr. Ex or Better Box…it begins to feel really good to bank these thoughts for what’s ahead and you are prepared whether he comes back or not! If this is difficult for you to imagine, get a real box and some small pieces of paper. Name your box and then write out the thought you are having and place it in the box. Either way, this technique is guaranteed.

The first week you will be amazed at how many thoughts go into the box. By the third week, you will notice a difference in the frequency of the thoughts and also by the change in your mood and perspective. You will be feeling much better at this point and ready for the final step.

Key#5 Writing the New Script

Now you are feeling stronger and more in control. You are more balanced emotionally and have some degree of objectivity. Now, get a piece of paper and write out five to ten things about your previous relationship that were not working for you on the left side of the paper, the more ideas you can come up with, the better. For example:

He didn’t like to see movies.

He wasn’t as affectionate as I wanted.

He didn’t call when he said he would.

He hated to dance.

On the right side of the paper, create a list of the attributes of your ideal partner based on what it was about the ghost lover that disappointed you. For Example:

He didn’t like to see movies becomes He loves to see films of all types at least once a week.

He wasn’t as affectionate as I wanted becomes He holds my hand where ever we go and hugs me frequently.

He didn’t call when he said he would becomes He is very responsible and calls when he says he will.

You get the idea. Now, go back over the list and cross out each of the items on the left with gusto. By time you follow through with the fifth key, you are well on your way to leaving your former love behind. Yes, you will still think of him occasionally and yes it will still hurt. However, reviewing these lists will confirm to you the benefit of moving on.

As your thoughts about him get less and less frequent you will not only feel better, you will be amazed at how much energy you have to invest in the rest of your life. You will get more done and experience more joy than you have in months.

Wouldn’t it be nice if you would then meet Mr. Right and never have to detach again? Ha! As you continue to enter into future casual and intimate relationships, there will always be challenges to keeping your thoughts under control but…and this is a big but (bigger than him!) each time you go through these 5 Keys, it will get easier and easier for you to see clearly what it is you do and don’t want in a partner.

No one knows what is best for you than you do. Learning to hear from and trust your own intuition will light the way for your future.

Curious about your own Love Vibe?  http://TakeTheSoulMateQuiz.com and check it out.