“How long has it been since you broke up?”

“Three years since he broke our engagement”  The somber woman reported.

“Three years?” I repeated.  “Have you dated at all since then?”

“I’ve tried but I keep meeting married guys or players.”

“Sounds like you are pretty discouraged.”

“I am.  But I am so ready to move on. I don’t want to waste another minute being mad at him anymore.  It’s just killing me!”  She said with an ironic laugh.  “I thought he was the one, I was wrong and I deserve another chance!”

“You bet you do!” I smiled. “Let’s talk about getting over Lost Love…..let me tell you about Monica.  She is a Scarlett too and  well….seeing is believing, take a look:”

I just got back from a fantastic visit with the most beautiful grandbaby on the planet. Of course, I always used to secretly roll my eyes (sorry buddies) when my friends became grandparents before me.  But now, I am as bad as any of them and yes, I DO have the most beautiful grandbaby ever.

A strange thing…your child having a child.  I met Brody when he was just one week old. I was struck by how utterly helpless he was.  If a fly landed on his nose, or his dog licked his face, he could do nothing about it, little arms waving around randomly in front of his face.

His skin was ridiculously soft, his eyes impossibly blue and he was my son’s child. I still feel so lucky to have met him when he was just one week on the planet.  Now, through the miracle of SKYPE, I can see him whenever I want.  When he kisses my face on the screen, it touches my heart….thank goodness for technology!

I met an Egyptian rental car agent this trip whose mother lives in Egypt.  He said to me, “I believe technology is a work of God.  My children want to see ‘Granny’ every day and they are bonded to her through SKYPE.” I agree.  Brody recognized me on the computer screen when he was not yet a year old!

So, what did this precious being teach me about anger?  Very simple.  When he is angry, there is no mystery in it.  Should his mommy disappear for even an instant….wailing that could wake the dead echoes through the house!

If his daddy leaves the room to get a coke, screams penetrate the room!  There is no thought.  There is no guarding against being inappropriate.  There is no self monitoring or self censoring. There is just a blood curdling scream!

When Brody is mad, everyone knows it!

Where did we lose our way?  When did it become illegal to be mad?  When did we start to censor ourselves and lock our strongest emotion inside our frail bodies?  We are suffering as a people.  We are overweight, diabetic, depressed, anxious, sick with any of a variety of maladies and we are mad.

With nowhere to go with it.  Was I embarrassed when my PERFECT grandchild bellowed his unhappiness at the restaurant when his mommy when to fetch something out of the car?  Well, not really embarrassed, but I was conscious of the other diners. Most of whom simply smiled graciously and a bit nostalgically at the emotional tot.

We need to figure out how to be angry. We need to have a way to express this strongest of emotions in a way that is not harmful to others.  If we are to survive and THRIVE, this transition must occur.

I rarely argued in my first marriage.  Being angry was against my self imposed rule structure.  Of course, by time the marriage ended, I was on three, count them three, anti depressants and still couldn’t get off of the couch.

Now, when my adorable soul mate and I disagree, I must admit, I kind of like it. I feel energized as I strategically plan my attack.  Not a REAL attack, of course, the attack is on his masculine logic.

My favorite latest confrontation went something like this:

He:  (Obviously angry and not talking about it.)

Me:  Are you upset.

He:   “Yes! And you know why!”

She  “No, I really don’t.”

He:  Even madder, “YES you DO!”

Me:  “Not really”

After a few minutes of his expressing his experience with one of my rather ego-centric and unilateral decisions.

Me:  “OK, I see that you are mad and I am glad to know how you feel.”

He:  Still upset, repeats his experience.

Me:  “Can we put the emotion aside and talk about the issue?”

At this point, I bring up a mutually appealing ancient philospher, Epicticus, and ask if we could simply talk about it like Epicticus would.

He:  “No, I don’t feel like talking about it like Epicticus!”

Me:  “You have every reason to be upset.  I didn’t see it from your point of view and I’m sorry my choices have put you in this position.

Now, at this point, I have to tell you, this is an amazing interchange.  In my first marriage, I was SO terrified of anger, I withdrew routinely and chameoloned my self to fit into my ex’s comfort zone.

I AM proud of myself and I am now aware that when we have a heated discussion, as these are more typical than arguments, a lot of adrenaline is released and it does feel a bit invigorating.

Hmm, what a concept.

What is true again and again is that my darlin’ and me are committed to being different than we were in our first marriages.  I LOVE that we have conflict.  I know that may sound weird to some of you, but it is true.

I am really proud of myself for staying calm and holding my own. I Know that my hubby is not comfortable with conflict and neither am I.  But I also know that without conflict, we are stuck in nicey nicey and that is fake!

Now I don’t plan on screaming in anger at the neighborhood sushi place any time soon, but  I have to admit, my grandbaby’s expression of anger has really gotten my attention!

A friend of mine is just separating from her husband and hearing the fatigue, depression and sadness in her voice triggered this question:

How do you know when it is time to let go of a decaying relationship? The word “decaying” may give you a clue.  If you are miserable, exhausted and disenchanted with your relationship, chances are you are making a decision from a place of anger or fear.

Leaving a relationship is never easy, but if you do it with FEAR or ANGER being your motivator, you are setting yourself up to repeat your pattern with a new partner. The key to detaching yourself from a relationship that is no longer right for you, is to make your decision from a place of SELF LOVE instead.

How in the world do you get beyond the HURT, FEAR AND ANGER and find the SELF LOVE that is underneath it all?  Believe it or not, it is easier than you think.  It all starts with your thoughts.

The most powerful words I can share with you today are the FIVE WORDS THAT COMPLETELY CHANGED MY LIFE.  Now, I am a bit dramatic and love the turn of a phrase but I am serious.  These five words changed my life.

What You Focus On Expands.  Period.

Chances are you have been focusing on your man’s faults.  Not that I blame you, I used to do the same thing.  In my first marriage, I didn’t know about the five magic words.  I was an expert at my ex-husbands faults and not only did I focus on them, because I knew them so well (remember they expanded EVERYTIME I focused on them) I then made the “logical” next step….I began insisting he change those faults.

What a disaster! Through the divorce process, I searched and searched for answers.  I never wanted to divorce and I had to figure out what had happened to our once loving relationship.

My search led me to Abraham Hicks and the teachings on the Law of Attraction.  When I began to practice the Five Magic Words, choosing to focus on what I WANTED to expand, my whole perspective changed.

Now I am remarried and  nearing our fourth anniversary, the blush of honeymoon passion has subsided and real life has settled in.  I consciously choose to focus on Larry’s strengths, those things I truly admire. Even on a day when we are a bit cross with one another, my commitment to seeing only what I admire in him works  like a charm to get MY focus where I want it to be.

So how does all of this relate to someone whose relationship is ending? If you are ready to leave your guy, good.  You will find the whole process easier if you focus on what you WANT to see happening as you move on.  Focus on your future and your dreams.

But…if you are stuck in the fear, depression, anger and sadness and yet still care for your partner, find a support system (even Al-Anon can be a port in a storm) and begin to build up your positivity.  Leaving your relationship with more balance will help you move on more gracefully.

Besides, you don’t want to bring all of that emotional turmoil into your next relationship.  How can you make this shift?  Try these suggestions to create an exit strategy that works:

1.  Begin each and every day telling yourself something (anything) positive. Stand in front of the mirror (Thank you Louise Hay) and tell yourself:  “In this moment, I am safe and all is well.” or “You are looking good this morning!” or “I am proud of you.”

2.  Take out the trash. Author Julia Cameron, The Artist’s Way, suggests writing three pages of whatever comes tumbling out when you get up in the morning.  She calls them Morning Pages.  The idea is to truly dump and then to burn your pages.  Amazing and powerful little tool.  Spill your guts, speak from the heart, write it and burn it.

3.  Find Connections. I have met the best people in meet up groups, at my area metaphysical bookstore and in classes and workshops.  Before that, when I was really struggling, I met great people in online forums and in coaching clubs.  Law of Attraction is amazing in bringing the exact right people into your life when you need them.  Just reach out.

4.  Take Responsibility. It takes two to tango.  Begin to be honest with yourself.  Yes, he has caused you a lot of headaches, bless him.  But you have caused him a lot of angst too.  I love H’ono p’ono, a Hawaiian healing method.  All you do is repeat:  I love you, Thank You, I’m Sorry, Please Forgive Me.  Place your hand on your heart and say these four things while thinking of your soon to be ex.  You will feel waves of relief.

5.  Accept The Lessons. I remember Oprah talking about a difficult situation.  She asked, “What is the lesson here, let me learn it quick so I can move on.”  What about you?  Have you asked the Universe for the lesson?  Try journaling by using both hands.  With your dominant hand ask, “What is the lesson?” and with your non-dominant hand, write the answer.  Then ask again and again until you hear something from your Inner Being that brings relief.  Powerful tool.

Remember, you want to leave if that is the highest good, but more importantly, you want to leave with your dignity and your self concept intact.  You can move through this time with power and grace.  If I can do it, you can!

If Self Esteem is an issue for you, Check out Self Esteem is Irresistible Preview call September 9, at 9 pm eastern

“Hey Darlin’, want to drive down to the beach and take a walk?”

“Not really,” he says keeping his eyes focused on the sports section.

“It is a beautiful afternoon and it will be cooler down there,” she says hopefully.

“Too much traffic and it will be a problem finding parking,” he says still focused on the sports section.

In true Snow White style, I used to allow scenarios like this to frustrate me. Feeling like my desires were being disregarded, I would feel anger somewhere in my belly and rather than deal with it, I would store it in some handy dandy inner receptacle, suck up my disappointment and withdraw from my partner emotionally. Hardly the pathway to a loving relationship.

Now I handle things differently. As much as I enjoy going places with my man…and I do, I even like going to Walgreens with him, I am starting to go more places alone and loving it! Yesterday, I took my little self right down to the ocean and enjoyed a beach walk…alone. I was alone with my thoughts and delighted with the people watching.

When I got home, I told him how much fun I had and how beautiful the ocean was. He asked about the parking and I told him it took a little time to find my spot, but not bad. He said “I don’t like the beach in the summer, it is too crowded. I prefer to go down there in the winter.” I said, “I like winter too, but it was fun watching all the different people enjoying the day.”

In my first marriage, I didn’t make the choice to do fun things on my own. If he didn’t want to go, then I didn’t do it. Slowly but surely, I built up some heavy duty resentment. I don’t know where I got the idea that a couple has to do everything together, but a part of me sure believed that was true.

These days my man and I enjoy our separate interests. If he is not up for something that I want us to do together, it doesn’t stop me from doing it myself. We do share beach walking from time to time and I love the hand holding romance of that, but you know what? The power and majesty of the ocean and the quietness of my thoughts when alone are pretty magnificent too.

When we met up at the end of the day, we went to Home Depot together to buy some supplies. Holding hands as we walked from the parking lot was sweet too, the view was just a bit more mundane!

I will keep inviting him to do things I want to do as a couple but I am not going to let his preferences keep me from having fun on my own! If I feel disappointed, that’s ok, I can find ways to tell him that. I find that just saying, “I need some Larry time” almost always opens him to me.

Learning to enjoy my own company,

Catherine

PS.  The very next week, my sweetie said to me, “Wanna go to the ocean for a walk?”  Imagine that!

Wonder if you are ready for true Soul Mate Love?  http://TakeTheSoulMateQuiz.com and find out right now!