Do you remember the scene from Sex and the City where Carrie slept with that college kid?
When she woke up in the morning, facing the Walk of Shame, she squealed as she looked around the room.
The place was a disaster, there was no toilet paper and there was a room mate passed out under the table.
Did she have a good time on the date? Oh yeah. Did they have a second date? Uh, no. What do you do if you attract a fairly great guy whose life is a mess? How do you know what is negotiable and what is not?
When you attract the next significant man in to your life, there will be no mistaking the connection. Like a magnet, your similar interests and personality characteristics will be naturally and irresistibly drawn to each other. That is a good thing.
As you get to know each other and you both relax more of your true natures can be seen. So far so good. But, this is where it gets tricky.
If his lifestyle, ambition, work ethic, habits or attitudes become problematic, all you need to do is make mindful decisions each step of the way.
Don’t let your mind mess with you by focusing on the future. Simply balance his true positives with his true negatives and choose your way forward.
Many times terrific guys are just rough around the edges and need some friendly coaching to know how to partner you correctly.
You can cut a guy slack and tell him what you prefer when it comes to what you want from him, but if he resists what you need and you doubt his motives, you are developing your deal breakers. Here’s what to do:
1. Take a moment and breathe into your heart. Ask yourself, “Is it in my highest good to be with this man?” Feel how that question resonates within you as you ask it.
2. Do you cringe? Listen to the cringe. Compromise will always be a part of a successful relationship but sacrifice is never Ok. Sacrifice is never OK.
You must stop the relationship if it demands too much compromise on your part to stay together.
4. Finally, give yourself a lot of credit. You attracted a guy who is almost but not quite, right? The only way to ID your deal breakers is to get to know your guy long enough for him to let down his guard a little. Then you can see his different moods, habits and attitudes over time.
5. Keep checking in and if it feels like a strong YES for you, keep talking, keep negotiating and keep moving forward. Needless to say, no sex before monogamy and stretch this time out as long as you can.
There is a delicious tension in the first few months of any relationship that is irreplaceable. Enjoy the heck out of it.
I am working on a new project and your experiences are incredibly helpful to me as I write and teach these skills. Please leave your comments and share your stories. Have you ever compromised too much to stay with someone?