Archive for June, 2010
Jun
The DTR (“Define the Relationship”): that necessary but nervous-sweat-inducing conversation that every couple must have (besides perhaps an arranged marriage). How many dates must pass before the talk? What’s the best way to do it? What if they’re not feeling the same way and the DTR causes a premature end to your (or their) live-in-the-now happiness?
When to DTR: This varies from relationship to relationship, so instead of following some arbitrary timeline, do it when it feels right. The DTR should happen when you start feeling ready to take things to the next level. If you’re feeling excited about them and want to see what happens in an exclusive setting, bring it up.
The other situation in which to DTR is if you’re getting the impression that they’re way more into you than you are into them (and/or feel like maybe they’re thinking exclusivity when you’re not). Put yourself in their shoes and treat them well, even if you think their assumptions about your relationship are out of line. Being honest about where you stand and getting everyone on the same page is huge, especially when feelings get involved.
How to DTR: Couching the DTR as a serious talk may be mistaken for the break-up speech, so avoid talking about having the DTR before you actually do. If the person you’re with hears “I want to talk about something with you”, they’ll be on the defensive to protect themselves in case what you have to say isn’t good — no one loves getting dumped. Instead, bring it up the next time you’re both happy and comfortable and in a low-key but positive way: “Hey — I like you. I want to see where this will go. How are you feeling about us?” Then, have a conversation and figure out where you both stand. If you’re in the same place, brilliant. If not, talk about it.
When you want to go from many to one: If you’re currently dating multiple people and would like to be dating just one, hen you mention you’d like to be exclusive with them that one person will pick up on the fact that they were not (up until the DTR) the sole member of your happy-time club. If they subscribe to the popular belief that until the DTR, everything is fair game, they’ll be fine with this. If they don’t, listen and talk it through. Hopefully they’ll see your side.
A successful DTR requires both grace and tact, and an understanding of the position of the person you’re DTRing. Honesty, respect and communication are golden. No one likes to feel like they’ve been played, or to be in a position where they’re getting hurt or are hurting someone else. Don’t fall prey to wussiness or a douchebaggery: talk about where you stand when you get to the point of moving forward or out.
Yours in happy DTRing, S
Originally published on the PickV.com blog (a new dating site that matches people based on music, movies and book likes and dislikes), where Samantha Scholfield is the weekly love/relationships contributor. Samantha is the author of the book “Screw Cupid: The Sassy Girl’s Guide to Picking Up Hot Guys” Available everywhere books are sold www.screwcupidthebook.com
How about you? Do you wonder what your chances are for Soul Mate Success? http://TakeTheSoulMateQuiz.com and get your Soul Mate Success Score right now.
Posted via email from catherine’s posterous
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Jun
Why Can’t I Find My Soul Mate?
Posted by (3) Comment
The Answer May Surprise You.
The disappointment I hear in the voices of the women who are lonely and looking for 
romance in their lives is haunting. “Why do I keep attracting the jerks and losers?”
“All of the men in my age group are married or satisfied with being single.” “What if I never meet the love of my life?” Ouch.
There is a hidden key to finding the man of your dreams and believe it or not, it has 
nothing to do with your past lovers or the emotionally distant relationship you might have with your dad.
The key to finding a man who gets you and loves you is to fully recover from the hurts from the women in your past. What you say? “How can my relationships with girlfriends have anything to do with finding my soul mate?” Let me tell you a story.
When Janna went to college, she felt really lucky. She hadn’t fit in with the cool kids in high school and was a loner. College was different though. She met people she could relate to and began to find friends. Naïve and open, she began to trust these girls and let herself be known more and more 
deeply.
It was fun to come home to the dorm and always find someone up, no matter what time it was, to share about dates, guys and guys. These were really great friendship times and Janna flourished.
Then, out of the blue, Janna met a guy of her own. It was an instant crush. Every cell in her body vibrated when she thought about him. Body, mind and soul all completely captured by this wonderful man.
She fell hard and, lucky for her, so did he. Janna and Dan began hanging out together as often as they could. They didn’t really date, they just hung out. It was comfortable and fun and felt very right.
What happened next with her girlfriends blindsided her completely. Janna’s roommate, Kate, was going through a messy breakup with her longterm boyfriend at the time. Somehow, they saw Janna’s time spent with Dan as an abandonment of Kate.
As they made their stance more and more clear, Janna was faced with a difficult choice. Her girlfriends or…..her soul mate. Of course she chose Dan. He was her whole world. What a time it was. The chemistry was strong and steady. They got each other. It was so easy to be together and they couldn’t get enough of each other. It was completely natural for them to spend more and more time together. And so they did.
Kate was going through a devastating time, there is no quarrel with that. But try as she might, Janna could not read the situation. Her love for Dan was all she wanted. She only knew one thing for sure and that was that she did not ever intend to hurt anyone.
The price was high though. In the not fully informed decision making of a teenage crowd, Janna was excised from the group. At the time, it didn’t seem to matter. The hurt and disappointment was completely hidden by the overwhelming chemistry between Janna and Dan.
The loss of the friendships, the support, the smiles, the involvement the fun of girlfriendness was never addressed at the time. When Janna and Dan broke up after a passionate, complicated and significant length of time, Janna was left not only without her soul mate and her girlfriends, she also had taken a huge hit in the area of trust. After all, she had picked those girls and her soul mate and those choices were filled with drama and trauma.
Unaware of the unexpressed disappointment still deep in her memory, Janna never 
trusted women again. Holding her heart closed from other girls, she could comfort herself knowing she couldn’t get hurt like that again.
Fast forward ten, twenty years or so. Janna now has had many women friends over the years but few that have sustained themselves. She is lonely and, truth be told, desperate to meet a man to be with.
She wants what she had with Dan. She wants to feel that excitement again. The wanting of it is steady and intense. “Where is he?” She cries into her pillow at night. “Why can’t I meet him?”
Freeze Frame: The betrayal of women, by women, is one of the most injurious of emotional wounding. Self protective postures and behaviors keep women at arms length from each other. Ask yourself, how many women do I trust completely?
Unless you are very different than most, you come up with a very low number. What in the world does all this have to do with your invisible soul mate? Everything. When you are drawn into a relationship with an unconscious (which by its nature is 
naïve and open, bless its heart) desire to fulfill both a girlfriend’s and a boyfriend’s roles, the result is always devastating.
Whether it ends sooner or later, the results are the same. The relationship is lopsided and, without help, pretty doomed. Not many men are going to be attracted (in the invisible but oh so real world of energetic signals.)to you with this signal. Men run from neediness every time.
They can’t be everything to you and you wouldn’t want a man who thought that he could. Trust me. They read it with their Man Radar.
Yuck, you say, I don’t want to radiate that! Are you ready to start doing things differently? How serious are you about finding your soul mate? Take an inventory and see how many of your past female friendships ended badly.
Check in with your heart to see if past betrayal still hurts. You are holding yourself back in your search for your soul mate because the pain of a broken heart seems worse than being alone. 
Learning to open your heart again toward women will put you on the fast track to receiving the man the Universe has been trying to bring to you.
Before you say that you don’t have any issues with those mean girls, ask yourself this question:
Why am I still single?
Curious if Love Sabotage is holding you back from happiness? Take the sabotage survey right here: http://EndLoveSabotage.com
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