Comments on: Ever Wish The Mother Daughter Thing Was Not So Hard?

By: Catherine

Catherine — Mon, 20 Jun 2011 19:32:27 +0000

Hi Julia,

Thanks for stopping by. I am slowly but steadily teaching myself not to react to my mom’s behavior. About time, I am 58 and she is 80. I know that I need to celebrate the other women in my life. I have a nice group of women who fulfill a lot of different desires for me. It is fun to have a shopping friend, a theatre friend, a Scrabble friend, an LOA friend and a friend who is just plain nice to be with. No one woman could be all those things…wouldn’t it be nice to stop being so disappointed in each other for what we aren’t able to do?

I appreciate your thoughts!

Love,
Catherine

By: Julia

Julia — Mon, 20 Jun 2011 11:22:14 +0000

Thanks for posting this Catherine. I remember going thru some of this in my younger years. Now, I realize that it’s really a projection that my mom is having about herself. She still TRIES to project her own issues onto me and I have finally learned to not accept them as my own. But I do know that my marriage and the way I raised my children (especially my daughter) and subsequent relationships (until this one with Walker) suffered because of my relationship with my mom. It also, didn’t help that I never knew my father. He ran off when I was only 9 months old. That played a big part in how I viewed men and relationships. I kept have this habit of thought that ALL men eventually leave and abandon us. And the sad thing is that it was a self-fulfilling prophecy. At this point (6 years into my current relationship with Walker), I can’t even remember what the turning point in how I related was. I think the bottom line was learning to love myself the way I always wanted to be loved. Also, forgiving our moms because they weren’t in this age of discovering that we can control our experiences helps a whole lot. When my mom starts to criticize or downplay something I’ve done I don’t listen to those words and start seeing her positive traits. Nine times out of ten I manage to nowadays get a compliment out of her sooner or later. )

By: Concetta

Concetta — Mon, 14 Sep 2009 17:22:48 +0000

I’m printing this out and putting it up on my wall. This story, plus what Tom posted, is so true for far too many of us. I know I have experienced that let down feeling by an overcritical Mom who always seems to hit my buttons. Now that she is older and in a nursing home, it gets even harder.
I know my first marriage suffered because of exactly what Tom said.
Thanks for sharing and providing me with exactly what I needed today, especially after her phone call this morning!

By: Catherine Behan

Catherine Behan — Mon, 14 Sep 2009 02:52:16 +0000

Thanks a lot, Tom! I feel this is high praise coming from you. I respect the work you do and know you have helped a lot of women like me who are struggling to establish themselves as strong women in their own rite!

Your coaching clients are lucky to have you!

Cheers!
Catherine

By: Tom King

Tom King — Sat, 12 Sep 2009 14:44:00 +0000

This is brilliant Catherine! As you know, I have done lots of counseling and coaching with couples and I find that lingering issues with a parent interferes with your ability to love and be fully present with yourself and your partner. A man’s relationship with his father and a woman’s relationship with her mother tap into core issues of identity and validation. Am I ok as a man or a woman? Do I really have what it takes as a man or a woman? We all long for that validation, especially if it has been in short supply. As adults we can learn to redefine our relationships with our parents, accept our parents for who they are and learn to respond emotionally as an adult, not as a child still seeking approval. In the process we can accept responsibility for our own validation and find healthier sources of love and approval. Thanks for sharing your story.